


Half Doomed, Semi Sweet

by Napping



Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Friends to Lovers, Hurt Bucky Barnes, Hurt/Comfort, I think I accidentally turned Bucky into an alcoholic but he gets help, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Sam is a good ass friend, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-29
Updated: 2018-07-01
Packaged: 2019-05-30 14:47:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 28,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15098954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Napping/pseuds/Napping
Summary: Bucky had done his fair share of dumb shit in his life. Maybe even more than others, he was really good at impulsive decisions and seriously, when it came to Steve he had never hesitated to double all the bullshit, go above and beyond to keep him safe.In retrospect, yeah, falling in love with Steve had been long overdue. Thinking about it, he probably had been in love with Steve for far longer than he had realized. Loving Steve was just so easy. It had become part of him, part of what he was. His life revolved around the fact that Steve was his number one priority. It had made him to what he was today.So yeah, he made a lot of dumb decisions and mistakes in his time but building up hope that Steve might love him back must be one of the dumbest ones.Or: In which Bucky is in love with Steve, who begins to date Peggy and really needs to get his head out of his ass.





	1. What A Match

Bucky had done his fair share of dumb shit in his life. Maybe even more than others, he was really good at impulsive decisions and seriously, when it came to Steve he had never hesitated to double all the bullshit, go above and beyond to keep him safe.

In retrospect, yeah, falling in love with Steve had been long overdue. Thinking about it, he probably had been in love with Steve for far longer than he had realized. Loving Steve was just so _easy_. It had become part of him, part of what he was. His life revolved around the fact that Steve was his number one priority. It had made him to what he was today.

So yeah, he made a lot of dumb decisions and mistakes in his time but building up hope that Steve might love him back must be one of the dumbest ones.

He would say falling for Steve had been the dumb part but seriously, it was the best part about it. He was Bucky fucking Barnes and his nightmares had nightmares, he had more issues than money and the only thing grounding him, the only thing showing him that he was still human, even though he had felt more like a weapon ever since he’d been to war and lost his arm, was his love for Steve. It was the best part about everything he was and that’s everything he needed to know about that.

Because he was Bucky Barnes and he just didn’t deserve nice things, so really, he should’ve known that this whole thing had been doomed from the start.

But he had hoped against all logic. He was sold for Steve and he thought that maybe, one day, Steve would love him back. Not because he deserved him, no, but because they were a perfect fit, at least how he saw it.

They had the same interest, same humor, they shared everything together. Trusting somebody had never been this easy. Steve had entered his life and won him over in a matter of days. His trust issues were stronger than his metal arm, but Steve had entered his life, threw a crooked grin his way and Bucky was gone. In a best friend way. In a way that you just know that you could spend the rest of your life, every minute with that person and it still wouldn’t be enough.

Yeah, in retrospect, maybe he had never felt just best friendish for him. Probably not.

But Bucky didn’t believe in love at first sight back then and still, Steve stood there, offering him to try a bit of his coffee because he had seen Bucky ogling it and that was it.

The thing was, Bucky liked to get shit done. There was a war? He’d fight in it. He was always ready, always trying, but not with Steve. He couldn’t just go and tell Steve how he went and fall in love with him like a testosterone driven teenager, he couldn’t risk it. _He_ couldn’t. He loved risks, loved to just jump headfirst into any danger and new things. There was no point in waiting, he wasn’t afraid of the outcome. But he was when it came to Steve. He was terrified. Because it was _Steve damnit Rogers_ and he couldn’t lose him. He couldn’t risk losing him. Steve was everything he had before the war and after, Steve had been there with him through it all.

And the worst? Even if Steve didn’t return his feelings, he’d still be there for Bucky. He’d work hard to make it work, to show Bucky that it was _great_ and everything will be alright, but it wouldn’t be the same. Not for Bucky, that is.

So no, he didn’t say anything, not for now at least. Now he just sat at the kitchen table, watching Steve the nerd, pour orange juice into a glass instead of drinking it straight from the container like every other person would in their own apartment and talking about this 'New Movie', that came out approximately between 1950 and 1990.

Bucky just looked him up and down. Took in how his jeans hung perfectly around his hips, even without a belt to hold them up. Looked how his shirt brought out his abs and pecs even though it was just a plain white shirt and nobody should look this good while just wearing a white — shirt — blue — pants combo.

”And then he saw his mother, dancing with his father,” Steve chattered on, in his excited but still casual tone as if it was even possible to combine these two and looked at Bucky like Back To The Future was the most classic movie in history.

Bucky nodded and raised his eyebrow teasingly, keeping his eyes on the Steve’s eyes instead of letting them wander to the reason why his pants didn’t need a belt.

”Oh, no he didn’t!” Bucky exclaimed scandalized and took another fork full of his scrambled eggs.

Steve pulled his eyebrows together in silent judgment, obviously disapproving with either his fraud excitement or his mature way of trying to eat half his plate in one go, ending up with egg all over the table.

”I know that you’re being sarcastic with me here, but I’ll ignore it.” Steve put his glass down and tossed a paper towel in Bucky’s direction, nodding to the mess in front of him. Bucky caught it easily in his metal hand but only put it down next to him on the table and turned fully in his chair in order to face Steve all the way.

”You do realize that this movie was released in 1985.”

Steve nodded, answering ”Yes” and then looked pointy at the paper towel and then sighed softly, obviously accepting that he’d be the one to clean it up, ”Buck, I won’t give you food anymore when you come here.”

Bucky shrugged the threat off, knowing that Steve had way too big of a heart to deny him any food, so he ignored the last part and cocked his head, mockingly.

”They are literally traveling to 2015 in the movie. That was 3 years ago.”

Steve extended his arms in a ' _And?'_ Motion and then scratched his neck, Bucky tried to not think about how soft his short hair must feel there, ”It’s a classic.”

Bucky lay his head back and laughed loud and teasingly, ”Not every movie is a classic because it’s old, Stevie.”

Then he shortly bit his lip but kept his playful posture, cursing himself for sounding so fond. He had no right to sound fondly about how Steve didn’t get cinematic culture. He had no business to think of it as adorable. 

”You’re old,” Steve mumbled then underneath his breath, with Bucky only rewarded with another loud laugh, ”What’s a classic then?”

”Lune,” Bucky shot back, trying really hard not to think about this awful movie.

”Buck,” Steve rubbed over his eyes and then walked around the table to sit down opposite to him, avoiding to come near any eggs, ”It’s not a classic. It’s literally just a really old movie.”

Bucky bowed a little, after he had turned around so he could face Steve again, ”Point made,” he exclaimed and then he pulled his eyebrows together. “How the fuck do you know that?”

”Watch you language,” Steve said pointy, taking the fork out of Bucky’s hand and began to pick pieces of the egg and put them back on his plate.

” _Watch your language,”_ Bucky repeated mockingly, ”See? You’re like a five years old, mother’s golden boy, suck up, how _in the actual fucking ass_ do you know what Lune is?”

Steve clenched his jaw and raised his eyebrow in a disappointed _really?_ before leaning back in his chair with a shit eating grin. ”I am not half as lost in the whole movie culture as you think I am.”

Bucky leaned back himself and crossed his arms over his chest. ”Uh, yes you are?”

”No, I’m not,” Steve licked over his lips and Bucky just pretend that neither he nor his dick had seen that, ”I know that it’s from 1902 and I know that its plot is literally about a group of astronomers go on an expedition to the Moon. Original.”

Bucky raised both eyebrows, which caused Steve to look all the more smug. ”How the hell do you know that? You literally didn’t know what Back To The Future was two days ago.”

Steve just shrugged and kept his grin right in place, so Bucky did the only reasonable thing he could think of and took one of the scrambled egg pieces off the table and threw it right to the centre of Steve’s forehead. 

Steve’s hand came up to dodge it but missed it by a second and was left behind with only a grossed out expression, whipping over his forehead as if the egg had left its traces there. ”You’re so gross,” he grumbled before rolling his eyes and then starred Bucky down. ”Who’s the five year old now?”

”I never said I wasn’t, I just said that you’re a five year old momma’s golden boy —”

”Suck up, yeah I got it,” Steve interrupted him and then shook his head with an easy grin, ”And you’re the bad boy, trouble maker.”

”See, you’re getting it.”

Bucky was certain he was just looking at Steve with the most fond expression, but he couldn’t stop himself from doing so either. He loved it, all about it. He loved how playful they were, how they could tease each other all day long, how they can laugh about anything.

And then Steve just returned his gaze. Didn’t look away or asked what Bucky was looking at him like that for, no, he just looked at him the same way.

And that was when Bucky honestly thought that Steve might be returning his feelings. Bucky couldn’t keep the dumbstruck grin off his face when that thought hit him. There was nothing he wanted more than Steve. And maybe he could actually have him.

And for the first time since signing the paper to go to war, he felt light again. As if he could get through everything.

Well, famous last words.

 

Bucky began to look a bit closer to Steve and how he acted around him. He wanted to make sure that Steve returning his feelings was less a _possible_ and more like a _definitely._ Bucky went all out to find the out, too. Okay, _maybe_ not all out. But he did try a bit more. As in: He sat closer to Steve now when they watched another _Classic_ Movie, feeling like an 8th grader but couldn’t find it in him to care. It just felt so right to be nearer to Steve, but so normal too and like not enough all the same.

He told Steve more heartfelt things. Kept telling how great a guy he was, how lucky Bucky was to know him and all that. Bucky tried to charm him but also see his reactions.

All in all, he really did choose the blushing 8th grader version, but who was going to stop him from taking baby steps? This was Steve and this was really important to him, so he’d take his time and do it right, Steve deserved that.

And Steve did react all right? He was all honest smiles and sparkly blue eyes and fondness. He’d always lay his hand on Bucky’s arm, look him into his eyes and say complements and nice things back and Bucky was glowing with happiness.

That was of course when it all came raining down onto him because Bucky just couldn’t have that. Of course, he’d lose all the happiness he built up just with a few words, because that was just how it always went. He really should be more used to losing things by now. Hell, he couldn’t remember the last thing that had made him genuinely happy, that he got to keep.

Steve stood in the door way, returned the strong hug Bucky had pulled him in, but he could already tell a difference. Something was off. Steve was all happy and excited and full with energy. Not that this was a total normal state for Mr. _5-AM-is-a-great-time-for-a-run-Buck,_ but something was just a bit _over_ over excited about him.

”Get off me, you punk,” Bucky laughed and then looked Steve up and down, ”What are you so jittery about?”

Steve lay his head back and laughed with his whole body, as if Bucky had just made the best joke he’s ever heard and then shook his head. ”Can’t a man just be happy?”

Bucky clenched his eyes together in faked suspicion and walked past Steve to plant himself on the beige couch as if he owned it. ”Any man? Nah, sounds fake. You? Yeah, totally, sunshine, but you’re especially smiley today.”

Steve threw himself on the couch next to Bucky, smile on his lips as if it was etched there. ”Yeah, makes sense.” Steve looked dreamily in the distance and that was the moment that Bucky should’ve known that this was something he couldn’t come out unharmed of. But he didn’t connect the dots right there, no, he was smiling at Steve, waiting to hear what had made him that happy, so he could share this happiness.

Really, he should’ve known. He shouldn’t have let his guards down and gotten his hopes up. But here he was, smiling at Steve, not even realizing that this was the silence before the storm.

”Gimme the dirt, Stevie. This better be the good shit,” Bucky prompted easily.

”I think I met her,” Steve said excitedly, as if that made any sense, still not quite looking at Bucky, but starring into the distance, smiling.

”Met — who?” Bucky clenched his eyes together and then raised one eyebrow, not even thinking about all the bad stuff that would follow. He really should have, then it might have it him like a wave and not a whole flood.

Steve finally looked Bucky straight in his eyes, all bright and blue and happy. ”Her. The one. Call me a sap all you want, but Bucky, she’s perfect.”

Bucky did not call him a sap. He just starred at him for a few seconds, in fact, trying to not look like everything about that Steve had just said broke him.

Bucky nearly chuckled in a bitter manner, of course, Steve had met _her._ Somebody worthy of him. Probably the nicest woman on the planet, polite and happy. Yeah, Bucky could picture Steve with a girl no problem, but he just hadn’t in so long, he had built his hopes up and there was no way back from there.

”Okay, okay, you don’t have to say it. I know, I sound like an idiot, but -”, Steve smiled a little, it felt oddly intimate and as if it had a secret behind it that Bucky wasn’t allowed to know, ”Haven’t you ever looked at someone and it just — it felt like all your life was just leading you to meet that person?”

 _Yes, but I looked at you_. Bucky had thought Steve had looked at him with that too, foolish. He just smiled though, tried to look indifferent like Steve hadn’t just broken all his happiness in tiny pieces while smiling brightly.

”You sound like a big ass sap, yeah. Who is she?” Bucky asked, trying his hardest not choke up. He had to do what he could do best. Keep his posture, smile through it, he knew it would happen. Like he didn’t _know_ know but he should have. It was stupid of him to think for even the tiniest second that he deserved Steve.

”I met her on my morning run, she was on her way to work when I ran into her.” Steve chuckled slightly probably thinking about how they first met. Bucky felt sick. ”Her name is Peggy.”

 _Peggy_. Bucky let the name roll around his mind for a second. He tried his best to not hate her instantly. If she made Steve this happy, she had to be great. Bucky still couldn’t really shake his strong feeling of _She’s not good enough_ , which spread inside of him. But then again, who was good enough, really? He knew he sure as hell wasn’t, not that it’d matter.

”So like — you have met her a few hours ago and are deeply in undying love, or — ? When’s the wedding? Tomorrow?” Bucky had aimed for teasing and actually succeeded to hit the right tone. He didn’t think of himself as being good at many things, really, but he was the master of lying. He could make people believe anything they wanted to believe.

Right now, Steve believed that Bucky was his best friend, who was happy that Steve had met _his one_. And it was true, really, Bucky was really happy for him. It just hurt really badly at the same time because he had just lost something he actually began to think he could have.

Steve raised an eyebrow and pulled a face. ”No, you jerk. I ran into her a few weeks ago, I just came from a date. Guess who got a kiss.”

Steve pointed with both thumbs to himself, smug grin in place and yeah, Bucky would be really glad for his best friend. _Would be_ if he didn’t have to picture Steve dressing up for her. Going on a date with her. Kissing _her._  

While Bucky had sat around and actually thought it could be him.

”So you went on a few dates and now you’re deeply in undying love?” Bucky teased further, but he really just wanted to make sure.

 _Say no_ , he begged nobody at all, _tell me you were over exaggerating, not really knowing if she’s everything you’ve ever searched for._  

”Buck,” Steve sighed and rolled his eyes while still smiling brightly, ”I don’t know, okay. But I really think I found something really good there.”

Bucky huffed mockingly, trying really hard to remember how a best friend would act in this situation. ”How can you tell?” He pulled a face, not being quite content with his choice of words, but he needed to know. What did make her so special? What would he have to change to have had a chance? What had to be different about him so that Steve would even consider him as an option.

But then he just shook his head at himself. What _wasn’t_ wrong with him, no wonder Steve had never seen him as anything but his best friend. He was a mess, he had so much to figure out. He had _everything_ to figure out because the only thing he had been certain of for _years_ was Steve.  

Steve looked at him with honest baby blues and nearly whispers, “She makes me feel things, Buck. I haven’t been this happy in a long time.”

And Bucky believed him. Believed him anything really. 

Still the bitter feeling spreading through him stayed for the rest of the night and didn’t leave when Steve did either. All he could think of when he starred at the ceiling that night was that Steve was happy.

Happier than he’d been in years, happier than Bucky has ever made him. Because he was genuinely happy, with another person.

Bucky tried to push away, that he had been the happiest he’s been in years because he had thought he and Steve were finally getting somewhere, but no. He had been the only one happy, Steve had still been searching for something Bucky stupidly thought he had already found in him.

He tried to tell himself that this wasn’t the end of the world. But to be honest, it really felt like it, for him.

It went down hill from there and seriously when did his life go anywhere but in that direction.

For the first time in months was he downright terrified to close his eyes to sleep. He had gotten a bit of a hang on his nightmare problems in the past few months, when he finally totally trusted Steve to be there for him. He had thought calling Steve in the middle of the night just because he couldn’t keep his PDST in check was selfish, but after months of months of reassurance from Steve, he had finally dared to actually call him.

He had finally been able to sleep again, feeling safer than he had before. And Steve hadn’t let him down once, of course he hadn’t. Steve was the best friend he ever had and obviously he couldn’t handle that since he went and fell for him like an idiot.

But two weeks after Steve had told him that he and Peggy were a thing now, he sat on his bedside, starring at his feet. He had tried to tell himself to just go to sleep hours ago but he couldn’t move. The past few weeks had been rough on him, he had only gotten a few hours a night, because his thoughts had been running, but last night was the first time that he had actually woken up screaming again.

The first time in months did he not know where he was, but his metal arm hurt in phantom pain, all the screams of his fellow soldiers in his ears. He could smell the blood and the burned corpses and all he could think of was that he was either dying or being captured.

It had taken him over an hour to realize where he was and that nothing of it was real, not anymore at least. That he had survived. He had tried to reach for the phone, was already seconds from calling Steve, before he had just thrown the whole phone away. He couldn’t.

Steve had other priorities now. Bucky couldn’t just wake him in the middle of the night anymore. The rational part of his brain knew that this was bullshit and that Steve would tear him a new one, probably telling him something like _I don’t like bullies even if it’s you who’s bullying you right now. You are not weak, Buck. You are important to me and I am here to help._  

But he still didn’t call him. And so he ended up here, sitting on his bed again, not really knowing what to do with himself. He was shaking on his whole body, subconsciously clenching and unclenching his metal hand, trying not to look at the walls too much, because they seemed as if they were coming closer and trapping him.

 _He was being trapped._ His breath quickened and he began to plan all his exit routes again. He didn’t know what to do.

It was a weak moment and he knew he shouldn’t even be thinking about calling Steve, he told himself that he’d built a bit more distance to Steve but he was losing his mind. He was already in the middle of freaking out and he couldn’t do it anymore. His arm and his lungs felt like they were on fire. He felt the hot fire of explosions on his skin, crawling up his back.

 

He didn’t sleep a wink that night. In fact, he didn’t really get much sleep for the whole next month that followed, but he had gotten a hang on acting like he did. 

He functioned without sleep, always had, but now he had perfected it. He could go through day after day with only a few hours while smiling like he felt indifferent.

Steve didn’t suspect a thing. He’s even told Bucky that he could see that he has gotten better.

Bucky only barely repressed a laugh, because he couldn’t remember the last time he had been this miserable in his life.

So he only nodded, Steve grinning at him from sitting opposite to him on the couch. He had two different pencils in one hand and a glass of water in the other, the light hitting him just right, making his hair glow golden.

”So, how are things with your dame?” Bucky had his teasing grin right in place but it felt more and more like a mask with every second he wore it. Steve rolled his eyes playfully but then went back to study his drawing in front of him.

”It’s been a month, Buck, we’re still in the honey moon phase,” Steve’s smile implied that he couldn’t think of a time when they wouldn’t be. Bucky couldn’t think of that either. He had sat back and thought about reasons why people broke up but came up empty.

Cheating? Yeah, unlikely in this case. Fights? As far as he knew didn’t they really fight. It’s only been a month, what should they fight about really?

“Oh, it‘s been one month already?“

Bucky had known that. And hell, how he knew. He’d been counting the days of his misery, trying not to feel too much like a too dramatic, pouting child.

“Surprised I could keep a girl for so long?” Steve sounded teasing and Bucky just answered with a smile that was all teeth, no humor. No, he wasn’t surprised.

He didn’t have the tiniest doubt that Steve could keep anybody he wanted for as long as he wanted to. And knowing Steve’s big heart this would be forever. It took all the strength Bucky had to not pull a face at the thought.

”Didn’t doubt it for a second, pal.” Bucky raised his eyebrows implicating everything his wet dreams were about.

Steve blushed slightly and then punched Bucky’s arm lightly, laughing. ”Your mind is so filthy, Buck.”

”You don’t know half of it.” _You wouldn’t want to._

”I’m pretty sure I’m glad about that.” Bucky shook his head, laughing too.

”Of course you are, your mind is all PG-13.”

”I have a few memories that beg to differ,” Steve playfully teased back and Bucky tried really hard to not let anything show on his face. Hell, he’d give everything to change places with Peggy. It just wasn’t fair, not at all. ”You think of me as way too innocent. You really think I don’t know what coming feels like, huh?”

 _Oh_ , did this image hit all of Bucky’s sweet Spots, that was pretty much him undone, thank you very much, do not pass Go do not collect $200, hit and sunken. He could just barely stop himself from saying something along the lines of Want me to experience it with you? or something equally stupid.

”Oh, dirty, Steve.” He threw a wink in his direction and then flopped back down on the couch, lying on his back looking up at the ceiling. He could picture that really well. She was probably gorgeous and Steve did all the right things, he was certain of that. He definitely took good care of her, holding her hand and looking into her eyes, while fucking her slowly.His back muscles flexing underneath her fingers, his warm breath on her face.

And Bucky just wished it was him. That he would be the one to stare into these blue eyes while being taking apart. He was certain Steve was a great lay. Probably the best. Being exactly on the line between gentle and rough.

He probably was a cuddler, too. He could fit his arms perfectly around Bucky, he knew they’d fit like puzzle pieces. 

Hell, did Buck wish he wasn’t as far gone for Steve as he was. 

”Bucky, you wanna tell me something?” Steve sounded amused and when Bucky lazily opened one eye in question, Steve just looked at him with this smudged grin Bucky would hate if he didn’t secretly love it.

”Uh?” He prompted Steve, trying to silence the panic inside of him. What if Steve had seen how exhausted he really was. Or that he gazed at the rim of his v-cut shirt a bit too long and too often?

”You look to be in pretty blissful fantasies, which by the way, gross. You’re on my couch, keep it in your pants, but also — Who is it? Is somebody in love?” Steve looked really proud of himself, as if he had just cracked a code. If he only knew _how_ right he was.

”I don’t know what you mean.” Bucky closed his eyes again, trying to keep his thoughts a bit more in line.

“Yes, you do! That’s your in love face!” Steve seemed excited, like a little child, seemingly patting himself on the shoulder mentally, like _Good job, Steve, you really know your best friend._

Bucky raised his eyebrows and bit his lip, keeping him from telling Steve that this wasn’t his in love face. It was his Steve face.

Which was, when he really thought of it, the same thing. 

”Calm down, Steve.” 

”I’m calm, I’m nothing but calm all the time.”

Bucky huffed and stretched his arms over his head, feeling his shirt rill up a bit, definitely showing his skin from the rim of his jeans to his belly button. He wondered if Steve looked at his happy trail right now, maybe thinking about where it led. Then he threw that thought away rather quickly; why would Steve look there. He was probably still thinking about his super hot girlfriend. Bucky rolled his eyes behind his eye lids and then settled for his easy smirk.

”Oh, please. You’re always 5 seconds away from starting a fight, all the time.”

Steve pushed against his leg and then laughed. ”That’s so not true.”

”Uh, yeah it is.” Bucky opened his eyes to throw Steve an all saying look, before closing them again. Behind his eyes he always saw a fire burning, shots firing, lightening everything into a warm orange. A color had never looked more terrifying.

He kept his eyes closed, though. He deserved it.

”Peggy makes fun of me for that too, you know.” Steve sounded fond, Bucky didn’t need to look at him to know that he was probably wearing a goofy smile on his lips right now. ”You’d like each other.”

”Yeah, you should definitely introduce us sometimes,” Bucky answered. There hadn’t been words that had ever felt this hard to say before. He didn’t want to get to know her. He didn’t want to see the two of them getting all cozy and lovey-dovey in front of him. He knew that if he met her, he’d _know_ her. He couldn’t just hate her anymore for no reason. Or worse, what if he wouldn’t stop disliking her and act like it, too? What if _she_ ended up not liking him?

Steve wouldn’t leave him behind because woman told him so, they’ve been through too much together for that, but maybe he’d overthink Bucky then, too? What if she saw how broken he really was and made Steve see it too?

Well, if any of that happened, he’d already have his answer for the one burning question. Steve wouldn’t choose him when it came to it. He already hadn’t chosen him. He had chosen _her_ because apparently, she was perfect for him and Bucky just wasn’t, but that was alright. He had known all along, deep inside. 

”I’d like that, Buck. You’re the two most important people I have, I’d like for you two to get to know each other!” 

 

She was a brunette, with red lip stick and big eyes. She was a lot smaller than Steve but her posture screamed that she was ready to kick his and everyone’s ass at any time, without breaking into a sweat. Steve was right, she was perfect. 

Her smile was big and showed off straight, perl white teeth. ”You must be Bucky! I’m Peggy.” _English_ , because of course she was. Of fucking course was she also English. Bucky had never stood a chance in hell. He felt more ridiculous for ever thinking he’d had a shot to begin with, than ever before.

”Yeah,” he said awkwardly, seeing the hand she had politely extended a bit too late and then didn’t take it. He just starred at it and then at her face, not really knowing what to do with it. This hand had touched Steve. She was allowed to touch him and who knows where this hand has had touched him, seriously. Bucky couldn’t believe how petty jealousy made him.

Peggy raised her eyebrow at him and took her hand back, her gaze screaming _Okay,_ in a judging tone, he sweared he could hear without her saying a word.

”Sorry,” he muttered and raised his metal arm as if it was an explanation for why he couldn’t shake her hand with his right one. She seemed to accept it, though. Steve didn’t. 

She then nodded as if she read into it that Bucky just didn’t like his hands touched because he had lost one before. She was smart. She also had this look as if she totally understood Bucky on a deeper level. He wouldn’t be surprised if she had served too; walking out of there without a scratch and still laughing like that. He felt more like a failure with every second of award silence that passed.

”I’ll check on the chicken,” Peggy excused herself, sensing that Bucky needed a word with Steve alone. Bucky pulled a face, how could she be so considerate? He hadn’t even known that he had had a little bit of hope left deep inside of him, before it burned out like a dying star, right here in the hallway of his best friend’s apartment, that had never felt stranger than it did right now.

Steve looked at him with a confused expression. “Bucky, that was really rude.” 

Bucky just grinned as answer, playing it off like it was something normal for him to do. Like there was nothing too rude about it because it was just the way he was. But it wasn’t. Steve knew it and deep inside himself he knew it, too.

But he felt bad, he was hurting, he has lost everything he had ever searched for in the love of his life, to a woman. He was hurting and Peggy had been smiling, feeling happy and he just couldn’t let her. He needed others to feel like shit too because he was Bucky fucking Barnes, his PTSD had PTSD, his insecurities were growing with every passing minute, he was in love with a person who didn’t love him back and he needed to know that he was not the only person feeling pain.

It took him a total of 20 seconds to figure out that everything about this train of thoughts was garbage, that he might feel bad but the world around him didn’t care and he had no right to take away any happiness just because he didn’t have the balls to get some himself.

”Don’t look like that. What has gotten into you?” Steve’s voice had a clear warning to it. He drew a line. For a second Bucky really wanted to cross it, just to see what would happen. If Steve would kick him out when he overdid it. How much it would take to drive Steve to leave him, too.

”Nothing,” he answered instead, looking at Steve with the most honest expression he could muster, and he’d be damned if Steve couldn’t see right through it.

”Don’t lie to me!” Steve stepped closer to him but held his distance. ”I know something’s up. I know you. Are your nightmares back? I thought you have gotten better.”

 _Ha_ , Bucky thought, _you don’t know half of it._

Bucky nearly had a private laugh over the last part. There was it again, the _you have gotten better,_ really Bucky would’ve laughed about that, because no. He hadn’t gotten better, he hadn’t _been_ better; he was getting worse every day, in fact, he hadn’t slept in three and the only things keeping him on his feet were coffee and the fact that he couldn’t lose Steve fully even if that meant giving him up for someone else. Not that he had much to give up, Steve was never _his_ , but it had felt like it.

 _”_ No, no,” Buck hurried to answer, his head running miles per hour to find an explanation other then _Sorry, I had a short mental image of you two exchanging hand jobs and then I really didn’t want her to touch me because hell Steve, I wish I had been the one there with you and not her_.

He straightened his shoulders and smiled brightly, ”No, nothing like that. I just — uh, had a rough couple of days. I’ll try harder, okay?”

Steve looked him up and down as if he really wanted to believe him but didn’t know if he could. ”You still know what you can always call me, right? You can always talk to me.”

”You’re such a sap, Stevie.” Bucky tried for another smile, but hating how fake it felt on his face, ”Yeah, I know.”

”And you’re sure, you’re alright?”

So Steve was not convinced then.

And no he wasn’t. He hadn’t been all right in months, in fact. Years, maybe. He hadn’t been completely all right in so long, he feared that he had forgotten how to.

But still, there was only one answer to the question. It didn’t matter if he was alright or the worst he had been in a long time.

"Yes, Mom,” he teases, smile still etched to his face, lying one hand on Steve’s shoulder to show him how alright he was.

”You’re being a jerk,” Steve shoots back, but there was his normal easy grin on his face, as if he finally figured out that Bucky was serious.

”Punk.”

 

Steve and Peggy smiled when they said goodbye later. Bucky did too. If he woke up screaming and shaking later that night, face first in a puddle of alcohol, well, nobody had to know.

He didn’t write or call Steve for days afterwards, he needed time to stomach what he had seen. Because really, he didn’t want to admit it, but he had searched for a flaw, a tiny mistake in Steve and Peggy’s relationship, so that he could have something to hold on to. Something to give him hope. 

He came up empty.

Steve and Peggy spoke easily, shared the same humor and he had been right, Peggy had been in the military but got back a couple of years ago to be a part of S.H.I.E.L.D, an agency. She was polite, but obviously bad ass and could say anything with only the raise of an eyebrow.

Steve had looked at her like she was the flame that lightened the sun and Bucky’s first thought was how wasted he would get that night. And he did. He had been drunk before Steve send his _It was a nice evening, Peggy likes you a lot_ text.

The knocking on his door about 4 days after he just low key disappeared from the surface of earth to go and lick his own wounds, shouldn’t have been a surprise. Really, seeing Steve with his disapproving expression in his doorway was the one thing he should have expected.

His sleep deprived, hungover brain hadn’t thought that far, though, unfortunately.

”Steve,” Bucky greeted, feeling weirdly disconnected from his best friend.

”What the hell, Buck.” Steve didn’t even bother to greet him back or wait for him to step aside to be let in, he just marched past Bucky as if he was ready to fight a battle and Bucky was just too tired to deal with that right now.

”Never heard of manners, punk?” Bucky growled when he closed the door and followed Steve, who had sat down on his couch.

”I have tried to reach you for days.” Steve pulled his eyebrows down and looked at him as if he tried to figure out what was going on with Bucky and didn’t like any explanation he was coming up with, ”You can’t just go dark like that, jerk, I was worried.”

Worried, because Steve knew he was damaged and who knows what Bucky could do when he was all alone and unsupervised. Because he couldn’t be trusted, apparently.

”Sorry, mom, my phone died, I couldn’t send you my exact location and heart rate every 5 minutes.” He hoped Steve would see this as hint about how Bucky could take care of himself.

Judging by the look on the face of the blond did he get the message and was ready to fight Bucky over it.

”Don’t you even try to _Mom_ me here, Buck, seriously. What is wrong with you in the past few months? You keep disappearing, you look tired and —” Steve looked him up and down one more and Bucky had never felt so uncomfortable in his own body before, ”did you drink _again_? Bucky you aren’t 20 anymore, you have to take better care of yourself.”

Steve didn’t stand up after saying that but he sure as hell looked like he was ready to. Looking closer, though, Steve seemed pretty tired himself. Not only of Bucky, that is. There were dark circles around his eyes, standing in a strong contrast with his pale skin and his eye lids looked heavy. Bucky felt worse immediately, he had been so worried about his own damn problems that he hadn’t asked Steve how he was doing once.

He had just assumed that Steve was alright. He failed being a best friend now too, and he could feel himself losing Steve more and more, with each second of silence that passed.

”I promise you that we’ll talk about all that, okay Stevie,” Bucky answered then, silently hoping that Steve would just forget about it, ”But at first I have to ask you, what is going on in your life. You look like shit.”

Steve scrunched up his nose and grinned tiredly, blinking up at Bucky with an expression that was way more fond that it had any right to be.

”Thanks,” Steve said, patting the couch next to him, which caused Bucky to sit down next to him without hesitating a second, ”You always look right through me, huh?”

”As your best friend I gotta have this super power,” Bucky grinned back, agreeing, ”You’re also a really shitty actor, pal, I could see that something was eating you from blocks away.”

”Do you really wanna know, though? I hate to break it to you but if we went into a competition, you’d still win _Looking Worse.”_ Steve bit his bottom lip as if this was an okay thing to do in front of Bucky who really didn’t have the energy to stop his mind from wandering.

Then Bucky shook his head and smiled at Steve, this time in honesty. This was an easy question, damn right he’d be there for Steve no matter what. He could be literally dying and his priorities wouldn’t change one tiny bit.

”Tell me everything,” Bucky prompted and leaned back against the side of his couch to face Steve who had stopped biting his lip but still looked worried and sad. Bucky hated that look on him. He hadn’t have a real taste for beating up bullies but he had a great desire to make whoever put that expression on Steve pay.

Steve didn’t look completely convinced, though. His gaze lingered on Bucky for few seconds as if he had to make sure that his problems were really more important than Bucky’s.

He had his answer for that but if he told Steve that he was okay with coming second because he had every chance to get used to it, the blond wouldn’t tell him anything but rather make Bucky talk.

Steve looked him up one more time before sighing and leaning back, rubbing his hand over his face. ”Peggy and I had a fight.”

Bucky should not be glad to hear that.

”That sucks,” he said as if that helped anybody, ”What happened?”

Steve shook his head and turned to look at Bucky; his eyes shouldn’t be as deep as if they were. Bucky turned away to not get lost. The last thing he needed was that he accidentally leaned in and stole a kiss from Steve while he was vulnerable.

”I don’t know, I —” Steve threw his hands in the air and shrugged, ”She said that she was thinking about going back, fighting the good fight, training a few soldiers and then join them.”

Bucky jerked forward and pulled his eyebrows up, looking at Steve again. He needed his best friend right now and damn, Bucky would not take that from him.

”And you,” Bucky made an opening gesture, ”Don’t want her to?”

He searched with his eyes for the necklace around Steve’s neck, following its way underneath his shirt and looked at the imprint of the dog tags underneath Steve’s shirt. He subconsciously grabbed his own and played with them for a bit before he realized what he was doing and tucked them underneath his shirt again. 

”Yes.” Steve nodded and then raised his eyes from where he had also looked at Bucky’s tags, ”No. It’s — I get that she wants to get out there again, okay? I know that she can make a difference. But I can’t.”

”Can’t do what?” 

Bucky sat at the edge of the couch, grabbing Steve’s arm without thinking about it because all he knew right now was, that if Steve went back there for her, he’d follow him. And he didn’t know if he’d ever come back from that. He doubted it.

”I can’t lose her okay? It’s not that I don’t think she’ll kick all the asses out there, but what if she gets hurt? What if she —“

Steve ended the sentence with a shrug but Bucky got it.

_What if she turns into you_

_W_ hat if she starts having nightmares, scares and freaks out about little things. Bucky remembered the time when a kid had hit him with a nerve gun in the grocery store far too well. He hadn’t stopped freaking out about that for two days straight, two days in which Steve had never left his side. Bucky understood that Steve didn’t want another person this fucked up in his life. Steve didn’t deserved someone who could barely go out on the 4th of July, because every firework reminded him of gun fire. Steve had spend his birthday at home with Bucky, year after year.

Bucky stopped himself from huffing, but only barely. He had never been fair on Steve and yet here he was, worrying him further. 

”I get what you mean, Stevie.” Bucky said honestly, he did get it. ”What are you planning on doing?”

”Talk to her, I guess? I am worried about her, this has nothing to do with me not trusting her or anything. I just can’t lose another person who means so much to me. This is selfish, but I have to be sure that she is alive and healthy.”

Steve looked downright miserable, so Bucky rubbed his arm again, mostly for support and a tiny bit for himself.

”Really mature,” he teased half heatedly, ”And if she doesn’t get what you mean?”

Steve shrugged again and shot Bucky a help searching gaze as if he hoped for him to have the answers, while everything in Bucky screamed _Break up with her_.

”I don’t think I could be in a long distance relationship, not when it’s about that.” Steve turned his head and looked to his feet instead of Bucky.

Bucky was glad about that because he could barely keep the hope from his face.

”I hope it all turns out all right.”

Bucky really tried to be there for him and give him advices but it was really hard when the bigger part of him just wanted to shout that Steve didn’t need to worry about that, if he’d just get together with Bucky.

But he really tried to silence the voice that was happy and hoping for them to break up.

He felt even worse than he did before when Steve left later on. Steve trusted him, trusted his advices but Bucky just tried to lead everything to the outcome that they broke up.

If he got drunk for the 4th night in a row was this his problem and nobody else’s. He was letting Steve down and there was literally nothing he could do about it because that was just who he was now. 

His nightmares got worse. He could see it, feel it, _smell_ it. The fire, the smoke, the blood. But it was fine, when he held his breath it was almost as if nothing had changed at all.

Steve texted him two days later, telling him that everything had worked out with Peggy and that she’ll keep on training agents here for the time being, that they’d discuss the rest when it seriously came down on them to decide whether to stay or not.

Bucky didn’t even feel a buzz till he had drunken half a bottle of cheap whiskey.

Three days after that, though, he realized that he didn’t have alcohol in his apartment anymore and that he was about to rip his hair out over it. And that is when he realized that he was getting worse and worse and he always blamed it on Steve being happy but really, it was just him being unhappy. And yeah maybe that was the kind of the same thing now even if it really shouldn’t be.

He sat back and just tried to breath calmly, because he had to calm down. This couldn’t be who he was. He couldn’t be the guy with no sleep and on the edge of an alcohol addiction. This had everything to do with Steve but it was not Steve’s fault. This was all Bucky, this was his free choice and he couldn’t go on like that.

So he pulled himself up, put on his easiest smile and then stood in front of the mirror, pointing finger guns at himself, something he was really grateful nobody saw. He looked himself up and down and nodded. He was his own person. He just had to find out who this person was. He had to find out who he was, when he wasn’t in love with Steve Rogers.

And maybe he had gotten over it this easily. He tried not to think about this embarrassing crush of his anymore and there he went. Miserable, but whatever, the only way from here was up. 

It was not. Actually, the way for him was straight down even though he hadn’t known that was even possible but it really was. Because he really wanted to change, he wanted to get better and feel himself again, but he couldn’t. 

He still couldn’t sleep, he drank too much from time to time and every smile he shot Steve’s way was nothing but fake. He hadn’t only lost his maybe great love but also his best friend, and he didn’t even know that.

So no, Bucky did not get better. He just felt worse and worse with every nightmare that passed as if it was the only thing loyal by his side.

Two months after he had tried to find himself, he had a bad day. They came all the time, he actually couldn’t remember the last _good_ day he had, but this day was maybe one of his worst, definitely in the top ten; and he was tired. Just plain too tired to do that any longer. He just couldn’t. It was burning him up inside. Because he was Bucky fucking Barnes and his feeling for Steve didn’t define him but made him into the person he was and this person was tired and broken. He laughed hollowly, not even trying to act as if he wasn’t hurt.

He had lost his arm, he had _killed_ people. He had been to hell and back. And yet here he was, broken over one single man.

It was as if Steve was vital for him. As if he was the air he needed to breathe.

In the dark, though, he felt like he was suffocating.

It had been nearly half a year since he has called Steve after a nightmare. Steve had thought he was doing better but honestly, everything he looked at had an orange tone to it and smelled like smoke.

Today was worse than that. He felt it all. He felt the skin of his left arm burning, a sticking pain were literally no pain could be. Every single one of his breaths came out short and hallow; his vision was blurred and every corner in his room held danger. He felt himself shaking, so hard that his teeth clacked together. 

He jumped for the phone and pressed fast dial before he could talk himself out of it again.

It ringed. And ringed some more. And then went to voice mail.

Bucky took the phone off his ear and starred at it, not caring that he was already leaving a voice message of total silence. This had never happened. He had never gone to voice mail, not when he had called Steve. 

He took a deep breath and let it out, shuttering, before ending the call violently and dropping the phone. He had known it. He tried to not feel betrayed by that. It was not Steve’s duty to go and pick up the phone late at night but — But. But he always had. He had always been there when Bucky had needed him. 

Bucky laughed into the silent room, in a very broken manner. And then he did the first thing he could think of.

He was drunk before Steve called back 10 minutes later.

Bucky debated about taking it but then decided against it. He was done. Not with Steve, never with Steve, but he was done to be the bad person. He was so done with making Steve feel bad and he totally would if he heard Bucky being drunk right now _again_.

No, he was sick of it. He was a grown ass man and he could act like one. He could get his shit together for once in his miserable life, all by himself.

He could be happy for Steve because if there was anybody out there who deserved happiness then it was him. And Bucky really had to start acting like he knew how big a thing this was.

He didn’t sleep for two days after that, never really getting totally sober. Steve coming knocking on his door in the morning of day three shouldn’t have been a surprised but Bucky still really couldn’t put together why he would be here.

”Jesus, Buck. Did you drink _again_?” Steve leaned in and smelled and then screwed up his nose, having his disapproving eyebrows right in place. ”It’s 9 in the morning.”

Bucky waved it off and then closed the door behind Steve. ”Nah, that’s still from yesterday.” 

This was obviously not what Steve wanted to hear, he just looked all the more concerned now. And Bucky really didn’t want that. This was him getting his life together, with a little help against the nightmares and heart ache. Steve should be proud of him.

He then got a glimpse of himself in the mirror on the wall when he followed Steve into his living room. His dark shadows below his eyes locked like bruises, his hair was greasy and in a really messy bun, but most of his hair had found his way out of the hair tie and was now hanging wildly in his face and his cloths were obviously already worn for more than one day straight. He shrugged it off. He was getting his life together and maybe it started for him with blood shot eyes; how else really?

When he stepped into the living room, Steve handed him a glass of water, worried expression always in place. 

And hell, Bucky was sick of that too. So, _so_ sick of disappointing and worrying Steve. He was so done with always being the person Steve had to take care of.

”James, what is wrong?” Bucky just barely suppressed a flinch when Steve called him that. Oh, he really majorly fucked up _already._

He thought about lying. Was ready to pull off a smile and just tell Steve that he had a long night out in some club. Lies were the easiest thing that ever came past his lips, but he opened his mouth and not one sound escaped him. He couldn’t lie to Steve, not about that. So he settled for the first truth.

There were many things wrong with him, he could give Steve a list and the first one was the biggest of them all. Saying it out loud felt weirdly out of place, though, as if his mouth had never been there to spit the hard truths.

Because the truth was, he just wished letting Steve down wasn’t something he did as often as he did. Steve would have laughed about it. Shook his head and told Bucky that he was wrong, that he just always saw himself in the bad light. _Everything looks bad in bad lighting, Bucky, that’s why I needed to have this lamp for my drawings._ Bucky had huffed and shrugged. It was easy to light objects up; persons? Not so much.

Even less so when he _knew_ he was right. He could see it, every damn day, even when Steve couldn’t. Hell knows what Steve saw at all when he looked at him.

”I keep letting you down.” Bucky scratched the back of his head, his fingers getting caught in knots in his hair.

”You don’t.” Steve didn’t even hesitate for a second. Bucky wished he had, though, wished that Steve would’ve sat down and thought about it before defending Bucky. 

It was frustrating, really. To just _know_ that Steve sold himself sort and everybody could see it but he himself.

Bucky huffed and sat down on his couch heavily, looking up at him with his eyes being a bit out of focus. He was so _tired._  

”Yes, Stevie, yes I do.” Steve sat down next to him, not saying anything, obviously sensing that Bucky just had to say somethings out loud, because of course he did. Of fucking course did Steve know when to speak and when to listen. ”There is literally not a single time when I didn’t.”

Steve looked sadder than he did, probably. He didn’t look disapproving or disappointed anymore, just bone crushing sad. Bucky wondered why this too was his fault. Why he could make Steve so sad.

And then it also clicked in his brain. He made Steve sad. Peggy made him happy.

He huffed another time and then just starred at Steve, really _really_ tiredly.

Steve’s eyes were filled with worry. ”I take it your nightmares are back?” He didn’t sound judging. He sounded warm and welcoming and Bucky fought against every of his instincts to just cling to that warmth. He couldn’t allow himself that again.

Bucky nodded jerkingly once and then starred out of the window. It was no lie. It was not the only reason why he was feeling as bad as he did and it was’t the biggest reason for that either, but yes. Yes, his nightmares were back full force, waiting for him in every dark corner and were right there, every time he blinked.

Every time he closed his eyes he was back. He _felt_ it.

Steve immediately came close to him, laying one hand carefully on Bucky’s shoulder, knowing that he didn’t like to be touched too much when he was feeling weak; it made his self defense senses tingle. Steve _knew_ him. Steve was everything he had ever wanted, he had ever hoped the person he’d settle down with eventually to be, but he was taken. And Bucky had to accept that he had lost the chance he never had.

”Oh, Bucky.” Steve sounded devastated and as if just mentally prepared himself to fight whoever made Bucky this miserable.

And yeah, _Oh Bucky,_ indeed. And hell, he was also so done with Steve always having to say that.

”Can we — can we not talk about it?” Bucky asked quietly, even for himself his voice sounded strange.

Steve looked him up and down one more time while Bucky tried not to flinch under his gaze. He was weak and he knew it and he hated that Steve could see it openly right now, too. But he just couldn’t keep up another posture right now, he was tired and full with bad feelings and all he wanted was to fall into dreamless sleep and wake up half a year ago, when he still felt like having a shot for happiness.

”Keeping it all in won’t make it better, Buck. You have to talk about it. I know there’s more to it. Something is eating you up.”

And Bucky just looked up at him tiredly. He couldn’t do it anymore. He saw why Steve would never chose him but the had to get it out there. He was falling, hard. He was trying to get his life together and nothing worked out and nothing _will_ work out as long as he can’t even have his best friend. He needs his best friend but every time he looked at him, he felt like a cheater, a liar; Bucky felt like he was using Steve and he needed to get it out there, all cards on the table and hope for the best. 

”I am in love with you.” Bucky’s voice did neither wave nor break, he sounded strong and convinced, and yes he was. He didn’t know much about what the hell was going on with him, not once since he came back from war, convinced that a part of him had died there. He had always felt incomplete and as if he was missing something, but never around Steve.

He had never in his life seen Steven Grand Things Aren’t Meant To Be Ignored Rogers speechless, not once. Steve was always ready with a low comeback, which he’d love as if it was an actual good one or a serious note or even a punch. Steve Rogers had always been reacting, rolling his eyes or sighing.

Bucky had thought of it as annoying, sometimes. Somethings just needed to be handled silently, till they went away on their own.

Right now he’d give his other arm for a reaction, anything. An eyebrow raise. A crooked grin. He’d even been okay with the damn punch, as long as Steve stopped to just gape at him while the silence stretched out like a third person in the room.

Bucky was way too well trained to fidget but he did crack the bone of his pointer finger, trying to ignore what was happening here. He had kept this secret so close to him, it was weird to see it out in the open like that.

  
And it hurt, hurt so badly. He had never known that silence could be so cruel. Bucky had always thought that the worst thing he’d ever hear would be the screams of his commando when the bomb went off all those years ago, killing half of them instantly, injuring the other half badly enough for them to wish they had died, too.

But no. This silence was thick and it wrapped itself around him like chains and he just couldn’t take it. He could’ve kept his mouth shut. Bucky also didn’t know that he could hate himself more than he had yesterday but here he was.

Then he breathed in deeply, feeling Steve’s gaze on him heavily, and begins to grin, ready to convince them both that he was kidding.

Before he could open his mouth though, Steve blinked a few times and then shot him a warning gaze. ”Don’t you dare to even try to make a cheesy one liner right now.”

Steve drew him another line, he had done this quite often in the past few months. Bucky would love to know what would happen if he finally did cross it. If Steve would still close both his eyes and let Bucky’s mistakes slip. Bucky didn’t cross the line.

Instead he just stared past Steve, counting the leaves on the only plant that was left alive on his windowsill.

Steve rubbed over his chin and then through his hair, pretending to not realize that Bucky had stopped looking at him.

It was funny though, because Bucky had tried to stop looking at him months ago, he just never quite succeeded.

”Steve,” his voice sounded hoarse, as if he had just woken up, ”I am sorry.”

He promised Steve to tell him the truth and he did. He was really sorry that he always had to ruin everything, he was sorry that he couldn’t just be a normal best friend. He was really sorry, that he always complicated things. He even was sorry that he had fallen in love in the first place, but at the same time he really wasn’t.

Steve shook his head as if he tried to shake Bucky’s words off, looking disapproving. Bucky guessed it was because of his apology and not his feelings in itself but it made him flinch nonetheless.

”Don’t.” Steve raised his hand, this time Bucky didn’t flinch. Steve wouldn’t hurt him, physically that was, also not emotionally, not on purpose. And also even if he hit Bucky, he would be 100% certain he’d deserve it.

He tried not to think about how no punch could feel worse than he felt on the inside right now. Had felt, ever since Steve had told him about Peggy.

”Did I — Did I act like I returned those feelings?” Steve sounded careful and also not really happy with what he had just said. Neither was Bucky.

It hurt. It burned him up from the inside and he didn’t know how to stop it. It was obvious that Steve just went out and said his first thoughts but this? It was a fact for Bucky, it was obvious that Steve didn’t love him back, but hearing it, like that?

As a question as if Steve had to made sure that Bucky didn’t go completely crazy and assumed that he could feel the same way.

The laugh that escaped Bucky’s lips was nothing more than a broken sound.

”What? No, I am just really tired of pretending that I don’t know what it feels like to love you.”

He was. He couldn’t do it anymore, it hurt too badly. Bucky began to nod when it hit him just how true those words were.

”I’m in fucking love with you, Steven Grant Rogers and I cannot act like I am not, not anymore,” he repeated himself while Steve still starred at him.

He didn’t even call Bucky out for his language and hell, he had never thought that something this little could hurt so much. He felt like he was losing Steve, right here and he was just watching how their friendship fell apart, piece by piece. 

”But,” Steve sounded breathless as if he had had a hard time catching his thoughts, ”Peggy.”

Bucky pretended like the name didn’t turn his blood to ice.

  
”Yeah, you have Peggy,” Bucky nodded, wanting to lie a hand on Steve’s shoulder for no other reason but reassurance, but decided against it. He’d hate for Steve to have to double think about every move Bucky made, as if he was about to drop to his knees and suck him off right there, ”And don’t you think for a second that I don’t know that.”

Steve looked at him silently after that, seemingly not really knowing what to say; Bucky decided that he hated everything about this. This awkward tension as if they were back to being strangers in a matter of seconds.

After a few awful minutes of Steve saying nothing and yet everything at the same time, the blond deepened his stare into Bucky’s eyes and looked at him with something that was a hitch too close to pity for Bucky’s liking. He didn’t want _pity_. Not from Steve. Not about that.

”I didn’t know, Buck,” Steve’s voice was just a hint above a whisper, ”I didn’t know you were interested in me. I didn’t know you considered yourself an option.” 

Steve’s words sounded like an apology and Bucky was about ready to throw a tantrum about that, because there was nothing Steve should be apologizing for, it was Bucky who couldn’t handle a platonic friendship and read too much in friendly gestures.

Instead Bucky just shook his head softly and started playing with his dog tags again. ”Because I didn’t. I don’t wanna be a fucking _option_ for you, Steve. I’m not something to put on a waiting list and see what the time brings.”

Bucky tried not to blink too often, imagines trapped behind his eyelids which he didn’t want to explain to Steve too.

What he said, though, was true. He was so tired of always coming second and he knew that it was natural to be put behind Steve’s girlfriend but he just didn’t want to think about it.

”This is not what I meant.” 

Bucky huffed with no humor behind it. ”It had sound an awfully lot like it.”

Steve nodded and then just starred at the door in silence as if he was trying to come up with an excuse that didn’t make it too obvious that this would be the first _battle_ he was backing out from.

Steve then pulled his eyebrows together and just looked at him again, as if he had given up on finding an excuse and figured it would be easier to discuss everything from A to Z now.

And hell, did Bucky not like the look Steve glanced at him with. He knew it too well. It was exactly the way Steve used to look at documents and maps when planning how to take out the enemy, back when they were fighting in the war.

  
”No, stop it. You look at me like I’m some mission you have to figure an attack plan out for.” 

They made a few easy jokes about that line afterwards, everything feeling stiffed and forced but Bucky really just wished that he had went out to buy more booze instead of trying to get his life together this morning.

Then Steve wouldn’t have caught him semi - sober and all of this would have never happened. Bucky would have never ruined the best thing in his life by being plain stupid.

 

Steve left in a hurry without making it too obvious and Bucky couldn’t help but feel that it had something final to it. Something between them broke and there was no way he could fix it.


	2. Boycott Love

**Steve:**

 

The actually sad thing about it was that Steve put the new information he’d just gotten passively on hold. He didn’t sit down when he got home and thought about what it all meant. In fact, it took him nearly two weeks of short text conversations and 5 declined calls till he actually realized what had happened.

He was turning the eggs in the pan sunny side up and then just starred down at them completely bewildered. He normally scrambled the eggs for Bucky in the morning, but he hadn’t been coming over in days. 

Bucky hadn’t eaten breakfast with him in months, in fact. Steve couldn’t remember the last time he had to clean up the whole table and kitchen, because Bucky always threw all of his food around while insisting that he always ate that way and it had nothing to do with the fact that he loved to see Steve having to do extra work.

Bucky who had told him he loved him.

 _Loved_.

The eggs in the pan began to smell burned but Steve just pulled his eyebrows together and rubbed with his hand through the short hair on the back of his neck. He was in love with him.

What did this even mean? What does he have to do now? What does Bucky want him to do?

He tried to think back to the conversation with Bucky to find out everything he was missing, only to find that he had been missing about _everything_. He left this whole conversation in such a hurry, didn’t know what this even had to do with him, didn’t know how to react and what to say.

Steve bit back a curse and turned the stove off before putting his head in his hands, as if it would help him to grasp one of his thoughts that were currently running miles per second. 

This was bad. Right? No.

Steve sighed and tried to remember how to breath correctly, flexing his fist a few times as if he was preparing to fight somebody for the answers to his questions. 

The notion that there actually was somebody who could give him the answers and all he had to do was ask, don’t occur to him, too fixated on having to win his own battles alone, to think about _just asking_.

He kept leaning against the kitchen counter till Peggy came home from her run to get orange juice. He smiled at her and put the burned eggs on two plates, acting as if he didn’t even realize how burned it smelled in the kitchen. Peggy raised her eyebrows and then laughed warmly while taking a look at his cooking.

Steve smiled back at her, forgetting for a while what he had been worried about. 

 

The thing was, it just seemed as if now that he understood what Bucky had said to him, he just couldn’t stop thinking about it.

The realization hit him from time to time more and more often. It was as if he was just doing about anything and then his brain always went back to ‘He loves you. He’s in love with you.’

He just couldn’t stop thinking about it _at all_. 

It was always in the back of his head. Not in a particularly negative way, but not in a positive one either.

But it was just always there like an information he just couldn’t work through, understand. Nothing has changed, though, it wasn’t anything that would change something, he knew that.

Theoretically he knew that. Bucky had obviously been sitting on those feelings for longer, so it wasn’t as if his behavior would change around him or anything; not that Steve was really worried about it.

It was just that he didn’t like to be this _clueless_. He didn’t know everything about it, didn’t even know the _beginning_ of it, literally. He had so many questions and there was just no way to know the answer to every single one.

It was Peggy actually who looked him up and down one evening and then just raised her eyebrows, prompting.

Steve bit his lip and looked at her and then turned back to the television, trying to get away without having to lie.

”Steve,” she said then after he had been silent for a few minutes. He breathed out and then turned to face her with a tired expression.

Peggy pulled her feet free from underneath his thigh and sat up to face him directly, too, muting the Tv in the process.

”It’s just something Bucky said,” Steve admitted, lying his arm on the back of the couch and played with one thread hanging loosely there. 

”I figured that much,” Peggy grinned at him amused, nodding at him to make him go on. He just really didn’t know how to go on, though, this was literally everything that had happened. He didn’t have more information than that and it all but killed him.

”I don’t know,” he sighed eventually, letting go of the thread and taking her hand instead, ”I literally have no idea what it all meant.”

Peggy stroked his hand with her thumb and her eyes got that warm look in them that always reminded Steve of how much she meant to him.

”Why don’t you ask him about it?” She asked, quietly as if she let him in a secret. Steve huffed softly and pulled her closer till she was leaning against his side. 

“What, just ask what he meant?”

Peggy scoffed quietly in his side and then shook her head fondly. “Yes, Steve, you could just talk to him and ask to get the answers you need. Imagine that.”

Steve leaned back against the armrest and looked at her from the side. She said that as if it was so easy.

He didn’t want to think about why it wasn’t just that easy, though. Bucky was his best friend, why did _asking him_ feel like an unimaginably hard thing to do? It shouldn’t be. He had been able to talk to Bucky about literally everything and now he struggled how to just talk to him.

 

Steve didn’t like where his thoughts were going at all. He couldn’t accept that he could actually lose Bucky over something like that. 

 

That was probably the reason why he started the next morning with doing what he could do best. Rush headfirst into a fight as a compulsive decision.

He found himself everything but chiming into Bucky’s apartment, looking at him with wide eyes. ”You love me.”

”And I really begin to question why,” he heard Bucky yawning from the hallway where he had opened to door for Steve, who had made a run for the couch without any other greeting, ”Steve, it’s 7 am.”

Bucky stepped into the door way of the living room and Steve allowed himself to look his best friend up and down before saying anything else.

He didn’t like to cruse often but he sure was ready to when he saw his best friend like this.

He had been focused on himself for weeks, trying to figure out what it all meant for him, trying to find out how to act, but he had totally forgotten that Bucky was the one who truly suffered through — _heartbreak._

Steve nearly gasped at the realization. Bucky loved him and he was with Peggy. He had never sat back and thought about what it meant for his best friend, but now he could see it.

Bucky looked awful. His hair was greasy and pulled back in a ponytail that looked as if he had slept through more than one night with. His shirt was rumbled and hanging of his left shoulder, his metal arm shining in the light of the sun coming through the curtains.

He had dark circles around his eyes and his usual easy, lazy smile looked as if it physically hurt him to keep it on his face.

He looked like he had been through hell. Steve hated to know that it was his fault.

Bucky stood still while Steve mustered him, but when Steve met his eyes his expression shifted, he smiled brighter, it was as if every misery he had, was pushed down and had never been there to begin with. Steve was horrified about it, to say the least.

He knew that Bucky loved to lie. He liked to lie outrageously sometimes, liked to make up movie worthy stories about himself when he first met people, just to see how far he could go. Steve never thought about the fact that this all had just made Bucky better at lying, including in subtle ways. Ways like pushing emotions away.

He got ripped out of his thoughts by Bucky walking past him, sitting down on the other end of the couch. Steve smelled the air around him and then fixed Bucky with a glare.

Steve shook his head and pulled his eyebrows together. “Are you planning on ever stop drinking again or is this just something you always do now?” 

”It’s just something I do now.” Bucky shrugged, his grin crooked playful; shrugging it off as if this wasn’t a problem. As if this wasn’t the third time that Steve had come over just to find Bucky still tipsy or really hungover.

Steve shook his head and just starred at his best friend, not liking what he saw. ”Buck, this is dangerous. You take medication, you can’t be drunk all the time.”

”I’m not drunk all the time, Mom, I’m sober right now.” Bucky fixed him with a little laugh and Steve felt anger bubble up inside of him. He flexed his hand again, looking at Bucky disbelievingly.

”No, Bucky,” Steve said determined, sitting down closer to his best friend and turned him around on his shoulders to make him look at him, ”I’m honestly mad at you. This is not good, you can’t just shrug it off.”

”I know you’re mad, Stevie,” Bucky wiggled out of his grip and took a gummy bear out of the bowl on the coffee table, ”you’ve got a tell, pal.”

”Stop trying to switch the topic,” Steve starred at the gummy bear bowl and the back at Bucky, forgetting why he went here in the first place, just wanting to fix this, ”What’s wrong?”

Bucky sighed deeply and turned back to Steve, looking as tired as he did just a few minutes ago again; he looked as if he had the luggage of the whole world resting on his shoulders. Steve fought the urge to pull him into a hug. 

”Yeah, well,” Bucky huffed a laugh and then leaned back on the couch, lying his arm over his eyes, ”I got some nasty stuff to get over.”

Steve felt his shoulders drop as the realization hit him again. ”Bucky —”

”If you say something along the lines of I Am Sorry, I’ll kick you ass out on street, fair warning.”

Steve scoffed in a kind of sad manner and leaned back on the couch, facing the switched off Tv. ”I wasn’t going to apologize, jerk. I just wanted to say that I am here for you. Always will be.”

”Are you, though?” Bucky’s words screamed challenge but his voice just sounded really tired, as if he really meant it and was sure he was right, but didn’t have the energy to fight for it, if Steve was to deny it.

”I know I was really absent in the past weeks,” Steve agreed, feeling even more guilty, ”I just needed some time to process all of . . . that.”

Bucky huffed out a laugh that sounded like nothing but dripping with sarcasm and incredibly sad in a resigned manner.

”Process what? You don’t love me, do you?” Steve tried to suppress a flinch at that, feeling pity built up inside of him.

Steve turned back to Bucky who hadn’t moved his arm from his eyes, seeming like everything but relaxed.

Steve wished he could offer something more than the small shake of his head, he really did. He wished he felt the same way and could just be with Bucky and make him smile in honesty again. But it just wasn’t what he felt.

”Buck,” he said slowly, trying to find the right words but then settled for a small 'No'.

Bucky jumped up, took his arm from his eyes and starred at Steve like he had just proven a point and then rolled his blood shot eyes when Steve just continued to stare at him with no idea what was happening.

”See? There you have it! Nothing has changed for you, okay? It’s all the same.”

Bucky made a _duh_ motion but Steve just couldn’t follow what the hell he was talking about. Of course had something changed, something just wasn’t like it had been before, even if he couldn’t pinpoint it.

”Why does it change for you but not for me?” Steve asked stubbornly, crossings his arms over his chest, raising one eyebrow at Bucky as challenge. He didn’t even know what he was trying to win, trying to prove here. He was just really tired of seeing Bucky being of this bad, when he had been doing so much better for months.

Bucky didn’t take the challenge, though. He just looked Steve up and down and then huffed in a downright sad way and shook his head before meeting Steve’s eyes, for the first time without concealing his emotions. Steve hated that he wished he did. There was just so much hurt in the ice blue eyes, so much pain but also fondness. He looked at him the way he always did when Steve didn’t get a pop culture reference or struggled with the touch screen on his phone.

“Because I’m not the one you’re in love with,” Bucky answered, folding his arms over his chest defensively, while crooking his head and throwing Steve another one of those sad smiles.

Steve couldn’t argue with that but he really had the urge to discuss it anyway, because he needed to. What Bucky had just said made sense but how could he accept that for Bucky his whole world had the right to change, while his own stayed the same?

The point was, that it really did stay the same, there was no reason for it to change, but Steve felt as if everything he’d known just broke into pieces and none of those quite fit to him anymore.

He felt misunderstood and out of place and angry.

Angry at himself for not realizing it sooner, for not knowing what he would’ve done even if he had known. The bad thing about this anger was, that it just wanted out. He had to admit it was one of his bad ticks, had always been. He had been in so many fights in High School that his parents really considered to send him to therapy for anger issues.

He didn’t have those, though. He was irrational sometimes, often when he was hurt. And he didn’t really know who to blame for that. He shook his head and fixed Bucky with a stare who looked him up and down and then just nodded, obviously already knowing what Steve felt right now.

Because Buck was a good best friend and he knew him, he could tell when Steve was angry, or when he was sad or if anything wasn’t alright. And Steve really had thought that he knew Bucky just as well too, but apparently not.

”It’s just …she had been there first,” Steve gritted out, nothing but bewildered.

She hadn’t been. Bucky knew that and Steve knew that, too. She had been the first of them with who Steve fell in love with, though.

Bucky huffed again, raising one eyebrow, looking as if he tried to figure out where Steve drew his lines.

Steve would love to know, too. He didn’t know what had him so angry from one second to the next, he didn’t know what the final straw had been, but he just jumped up from the couch, rocking the coffee table, nearly sending the bowl of gummy bears to the floor.

”It’s not my fault that you didn’t tell me about it sooner, you are the coward here.” Steve bit out, aiming his words to hurt and hell did he hit the mark. Bucky grumbled together and just nodded tiredly.

He had so many emotions inside and the last thing he wanted was to actually hurt Bucky, but it seemed like it was all he did, no matter what. All he did was just screwing it up and he had no idea how to fix it.

”You were the one falling for a taken guy,” Steve bit out when Bucky still didn’t answer. He needed him to, though. He needed him to say something, answer anything, get angry or anything else but sad. 

Bucky laughed in honesty now, also standing up and walking past Steve, slapping his shoulder when he walked past into the kitchen.

Steve followed him and watched him pouring water in a glass, still giggling slightly.

”What?” Steve bit out, sounding like he was pouting. He was certain he also was, in a way. He felt like the whole world was in on this inside joke and everybody knew what was happening but he himself.

”I really didn’t,” Bucky shot back, whipping his eyes with his hand, breathing in and letting out another little laugh, ”I have loved you for years, you punk.”

Steve just gaped at him. He took a few steps back and just stared at Bucky. His _best friend_. Who he literally told about everything that has ever happened to him in his life. His best friend, who was apparently not trusting him at all.

”Wha —,” Steve whispered and then stepped into the kitchen again, keeping his eyes on Bucky who leaned against the counter. He had an expression as if he just watched something burn in front of him without any way to help. Steve thought that this expression was pretty fitting. ”You didn’t tell me _for years?”_

Bucky put his glass on the counter behind him and fixed Steve with a glare too. ”Would it have changed something if you had known?” 

Steve took his eyes off Bucky, looking around in the kitchen, trying to find an answer.

Would it had been different? He didn’t know. Maybe. If he had known, maybe he’d have developed feelings for Bucky, too.

He was about to just tell him exactly that, that he _didn’t know_ , because Bucky hadn’t given him the change to try. But then his eyes got caught on the empty bottles that were all but stacked around the garbage can.

His mouth fell open in shook but for a completely different reason. ”Bucky,” he whispered when he walked past him to take a closer look. It was pile of bottles, any kind of alcohol, all empty. ”Is this what I am doing to you?”

Bucky scoffed but didn’t look at him anymore, keeping his eyes on the hole in his dark socks, ”Don’t flatter yourself, I have other problems too.”

Steve picked up one bottle of whiskey and waved it in Bucky’s direction, not taking his bullshit.

”And all those go away through alcohol poisoning?” Steve tried not to think about the time when Bucky’s nightmares had been at their worst and he hadn’t been really sober for months. Steve had thought he’d lost him and he couldn’t help but think that he was about to lose him right now, again.

”I don’t know. Does it make you want to go?” Bucky had an arrogant smile on his face, but still didn’t look at Steve.

”Is that what you want?” Steve shot back, opening the challenge again. He was ready to fight.

He just didn’t really know who or for what.

Bucky’s head shot up, he looked angry now too. Angry and really, really defeated.

”It’s what you need.”

Steve breathed out in an everything but amused way. ”Oh, it’s about me all of the sudden?” 

Bucky just laughed a little and walked up to him, ripping the bottle out of his hand and placed it harshly on the counter, ”It always is!”

Steve shook his head and stepped closer to Bucky who held up his hands, it could be seen as intimidating, but right now it was definitely nothing more than a defense mechanism. Bucky didn’t seem to like Steve’s reaction, though, because he just began to nod a few times and then clenched his eyes at him. ”It is! It doesn’t matter if you believe that or not, I know that kind of everything I’ve ever did had you name as reason, okay?”

Steve took a few steps back again and leaned against the sink, opposite to Bucky, trying to swallow his anger down, as if he didn’t know that this would definitely not work. Anger and just really much worry. He hated that he couldn’t really express this right now.

”You drink yourself to death in my name?” It wasn’t that he was yelling that, but he wasn’t not yelling either. It was just so much worse than he thought it would be. It all just kept getting worse even though all he had wanted to do was to fix it.

Bucky pulled his eyebrows down and threw his hands up. ”I didn’t say that.”

Steve rolled his eyes as response. ”Sounded like it.”

”I didn’t.”

Steve looked Bucky up one more time, feeling his anger fading more and more, just looking at his best friend being all defensive and hurt, as if he didn’t know what to do with himself. Steve wished he would have the answers for both of them.

The only thing he knew right now was that this wasn’t good for Bucky, it was hurting him. It made him drink again and if his dark circles were anything to go by, it stole his sleep. Steve couldn’t be responsible for making his best friend feel that way, not ever again. Not anymore.

”Maybe it would be best if I just … leave for while.” Steve didn’t want to say that. He hated to leave Bucky alone but he couldn’t shake the feeling, that he had no other choice. He didn’t want to think about how this might be the first fight he had ever backed out of. How couldn’t he, though? This was about Bucky, who was worse of than Steve had seen him in months and he couldn’t let this happen, not if Bucky had just admitted that it was his fault.

Bucky just huffed again and rubbed over his eyes, nodding. ”Yeah, sure.”

He didn’t sound so sure of it and neither did Steve, but he just had to believe that this was for the best, at least for a little while.

The banging of the door behind him had something final about it and he really didn’t want to think about what that was.

 

Steve took his time to fully focus on Peggy, loving to spend more time with her, trying to just ban every thought of Bucky out of his mind.

It would be much easier if he didn’t know that this jerk was everything but fine.

”You know, you could just call him to check in.” Peggy sat opposite of him at the diner table, eating apple pie. 

Steve pushed his empty plate to the side of the table and laid his arms in front of him instead. ”I cannot tell him that we should take a break and then just call him up one week later.” 

He laid his head on his arms and purred contently when Peggy began to rub through his hair.

”I’m just saying, you are worried about him. There is literally nothing that’s stopping you from just texting him.”

Steve didn’t really know what to say to that, he just hummed as answer and tried not to listen to the voice inside his head telling him that this was so much bigger than his pride and if he really wanted to fix things, he had to get off his ass and do something.

He didn’t.

Steve spent his time drawing, going on dates, running and he also met up with Sam more often, which was great. Or would be great if it wasn’t literally Sam’s job to read people, so all he had to do was take one look at him before opening his arms prompting.

Steve sighed at his friend and then shook his head softly. ”Bucky.” He offered as answer as if it counted as one. He was sure it did. Didn’t this name just explain everything, really.

”What about him?” Sam put his feet on the coffee table and looked up at Steve who sat next to him on the couch, trying not to look as if he was on the edge of fighting the sun if it meant getting his old life back.

Steve didn’t know if he could answer that, he hadn’t even told Peggy about Bucky’s confession. He had just given her a vague explanation without detail and such, just saying that Bucky and he had been having a fight over personal matters. It just didn’t feel right to talk to another person about this, it was so private, it had something hidden on it, like a secret he wasn’t sure he was supposed to keep or allowed to share as he pleased.

But Steve really had to talk to somebody about it, he was getting mad. He didn’t know what he had to do anymore. Whenever he tried to solve his problems, he came up empty and he hated it.

”He has feelings,” Steve said slowly and then pulling his eyebrows together, like well _duh_. Really well put.

Sam seemed to think the same thing because he just clenched his eyes together and threw his right hand up as if to tell Steve that this was absolutely no helpful information whatsoever. ”Well, yes?”

Steve shook his head and then turned to face Sam fully, hoping the other man would just put the pieces together himself; he didn’t.

  
Steve sighed, being annoyed by nothing and everything at the same time. ”No, like … he had — _has_ feelings for _me_. Romantic ones.”

Sam looked back up at him and shortly pulled his eyebrows together as if he was thinking about different moments when he’d been with Bucky. Steve had been there, did the same thing; thought about Bucky and him, tried to see everything from Bucky’s perspective. 

Then Sam just pulled the corners of his mouth down and nodded a few times.

”Huh - ah. Yeah, that makes sense.” 

Steve raised his eyebrows and looked at his friend, who still nodded and then went back to read some papers he’d gotten from the VA.

“What? It doesn’t surprise you?” Steve turned his side to Sam again, leaning against the headrest of the couch and closed his eyes.

“Mhm,” Sam hummed, shuffling paper around, “I didn’t know he did have feelings for you, but thinking about it, it’s not really that big of a surprise. You two are really close, you’ve always been a big part of his life. Yeah, it makes sense.”

Steve sighed and rubbed his eyes. “Maybe.”

They went back to being silent for a little, not needing to talk. Steve was kind of relieved that he hadn’t been the only one who didn’t see Bucky’s feelings from a mile away. But did it all make sense though? Yes, they were close but this didn’t have to mean anything, did it?

“I’m going out on limb here, but imma assume you overthinking it all, don’t you, man?” Sam threw a paper clip at Steve who dodge it and then looked at him in a really exasperated way.

Steve was ready to deny it all, because he couldn’t remember the last time he had been overthinking something. His strategy had always been headfirst, bonus points for a fist fight or something on fire. But right now he didn’t know what to do, here was nothing to fight for or to save; he was the one without a plan for maybe the first time in his life.

“Maybe I am,” he admitted a bit pouty tone in his voice.

Sam huffed a little laugh and laid his hand on his shoulder, giving his arm a little squeeze. “It’s the way how nothing changed but everything did, isn’t it?”

Steve just nodded, liking the way how Sam could connect all the dots on his own. Sam just got it and it was really calming to finally talk to someone about this, someone who understood nonetheless.

“He made a good argument about how I don’t have anything to process, because nothing had changed for me, but I don’t feel like it. I think there is something I’m missing, something I could do but —“ 

“But there really isn’t.” Sam nodded again and took his hand off Steve’s arm after patting it lightly one more time.

“He is drinking again.” Steve turned his head in Sam’s direction, trying to find the answer to no specific question in his eyes. “He doesn’t sleep, he says he’s fine but I know he’s not and there is just nothing I can do. It’s my fault.”

“Did you call him and tell him that that’s how you see things?” Sam threw one paper in the direction of the trash can and hit the wall next to it instead.

Steve felt as if he needed to defend himself but there really was just one answer to that.

“No.”

Sam raised his eyebrows in slight exasperation, as to ask him Why Not. Steve crossed his arms over his chest, trying not to look as if this was a defense mechanism, “He hasn’t called me either, though.”

Sam rolled his eyes with an overly loud sigh. “Oh, give me strength. Steven, are you a fifth grader? Huh, are you?”

Steve tucked his chin down and tightened his arms across his chest. “No, but I’m just saying, I was here and he didn’t call.”

“Weren’t you the one that went away?”

Steve let his arms drop and turned back to face Sam. He hadn’t felt this lost in years.

“It was what’s best for him.”

The sigh Sam answered with was nothing short of an insult. “Did you just say _it’s best for him_? From what I understand, does Bucky need his best friend right now, because he got rejected. That he was rejected by you makes it a bit harder, but damnit Steve. This guy would literally do anything if it meant keeping you happy and healthy.”

”Yeah and who watches out for him then? He certainly doesn’t do it himself.” Steve knew that he looked at Sam with wide eyes and panic in his voice, but this was exactly what he had been worried about. Bucky looking out for everyone and everything but himself.

”There is an analogy about a glass house that I don’t wanna make right now,” Sam answered and then whispered something that sounded suspiciously like _pot meet kettle_ underneath his breath.

”Sam,” Steve sighed and rolled his eyes, ignoring how his friend was definitely, without a doubt, right, ”I am doing more harm than good, okay?”

Sam raised an eyebrow in his direction and Steve didn’t know why it felt so much like an insult.

”I don’t know if you realized that, since you spend a lot of time trying to fix things while considering only your own perspective, in the most selfless way, how ever that’s possible, but Steve, Bucky is a big boy. I think he can decide what’s best for him on his own.”

”I have literally seen this man trying to microwave a can of beans. A closed can of beans. A metal can.” Steve tried huffed softly at the memory, before he went back to being serious, “His last decision had been to drink his problems away.”

Steve tried to fix Sam with the same kind of insulting expression, but having the feeling that he missed by a mile.

”Look, I’m not saying that he always got the best ideas, but that’s what your part is. He can decide, you can help him out of his mess. It’s called friendship.”

”Well, what if he decides that friendship isn’t enough for him anymore? What if wants all or nothing?”

Not that he’d think Bucky would actually make him choose, but what if Bucky just needed more and couldn’t go on without it?

”What if all he wants is his best friend?” 

Steve looked at Sam with an expression that must be nothing but downright sad, ”I cannot shake the feeling that I am just doing him so much harm,”

Sam patted his shoulder again and studied his face a bit before he shot him a soft smile, ”Don’t you think that means he needs you all the more?”

Steve looked back in Sam’s eyes, shrugging, ”I don’t know what it means, Sam, I really don’t.”

”I think you’ll know what to do.”

The funny thing, but funny in a totally sad way, was that he really didn’t know what to do. Every time he tried to think it all though and make the right decision, his brain just hit an error and all he could do was stare at a wall and trying to count how many bottles he’d seen at Bucky’s place by memory.

He really needed to learn that he just won’t ever be a Thinking Things Through guy and that all his decisions and activities kind of come from impulse alone. The thing was, he’d just gotten really good at suppressing things when his brain came up empty, so the ice cold feeling of _hell I miss him_ hit him like a sucker punch.

He didn’t think he could ever miss a person so much, but he starred at the frying pan in the morning and didn’t need to make scrambled eggs, a bit burned and really salty, and he didn’t know what to do with that. It was as if he just couldn’t decide what to do, what to feel. One second he thinks that Bucky’d be better off without him and in the next he had this burning feeling that he totally had to save him, no matter what pickle ever he just brought himself into again.

 

He shouldn’t be surprised that he ended up knocking on Bucky’s door 20 minutes later, without really knowing what he even wanted to say.

Bucky looked tired but not hungover, he counted that as a win. It also turned out that it wasn’t half as hard as he made himself believe, to see Bucky again and find the right thing to say. He had spend weeks not knowing how to approach Bucky but now that he stood there, it was as if weeks of tension just dropped right off his shoulders.

”This sucks,” he just said at last, looking Bucky up and down who did the same to him. Hell, did he miss the messy hair bun and the constant slight smell of smoke, even though Bucky didn’t smoke anymore, and burned food; which should smell hideous but had a hint of _home_ for him. 

”Yeah, it really does.” Bucky nodded and then grinned in his crooked way and for a second Steve was really convinced that everything could be that easy. 

”This is not the end of the line,” he said, stepping closer to his best friend, smiling back at him.

”It really isn’t,” Bucky huffed and rubbed the back of his head and then opened his arms, ”Get in here you, punk.” 

Bucky hugged him close, close enough that Steve could smell the faint smell of deodorant and not even a hint of alcohol, he’ll ask about that later. For a short moment Steve closed his eyes and just enjoyed to be close to his best friend again, after nearly a month of no contact whatsoever.

He let go of Bucky with a pat on his back, smiling at him as if their last conversation hadn’t happened. Bucky seemed to agree to ignore it with him.

”I just lashed out,” he murmured then while walking in the kitchen, not wanting to talk about the last time they saw each other, but really had to at least make that clear.

Bucky laughed and threw himself on the couch, ”I know you did. You’ve got a tell.”

Steve huffed out a laugh too and sat down next to Bucky with a glass of water in his hand, ”Yeah.”

It all went back to normal between them, in a way. It were just little things that were off and Steve hated it. He just always saw situation in which he had thought Bucky would react in a different way, his normal way and he didn’t. Always held a respectful distance and kept boundaries, which would be great, if this wasn’t Bucky. 

It actually took him up to three weeks to finally be able to pinpoint what was so off. He really couldn’t tell in the beginning, because they still teased each other with no indifference, he still could talk to Bucky about everything. They still made stupid jokes and had long discussions about movies that were apparently not classics even though Steve could swear they were.

Yes, it really took him way too long to realize that the thing that was off was the simple fact that Bucky wasn’t touching him anymore, not at all. No accidental brush of fingertips or pats on the shoulder, nothing. Steve didn’t want to overthink why this annoyed him so much.

Steve stood behind the stove and made scrambled eggs for Bucky, who lay with his head on his arms halfway over the table. Ignoring the obvious lack of sleep, did Bucky look good. As in _healthy_. He had color in his cheeks and his hair was brushed and there wasn’t this constant smell of alcohol that had followed him around the past months.

For a short moment, he allowed himself to just look at his best friend.

Steve wondered if Bucky still loved him. He wondered if he could just ask him.

He didn’t.

Instead he got a plate from the cabinet and put the egg on it, trying to not think why it did even matter to him.

”Buck?” 

Bucky only grumbled as response, rolling his head to left and opening one eye to look at Steve tiredly.

”Did you quit drinking?” Steve thought for a moment if he should’ve sugar coated the question but then only pulled a face, when in hell did he do anything but being straight forward with Buck. 

  
Bucky hummed again and closed his eye. ”I joined AA.”

Steve couldn’t help the little smile that spread on is face after hearing that. Bucky was gonna be okay and that was about everything he needed to know.

"Since when are you responsible?” He teased instead of telling Bucky how proud he was of him; it was strongly implied, though.

Bucky huffed and sat up so Steve could put the plate in front of him, ”Yeah, you took all the stupid with you, so I had to go and do the mature thing.”

Steve laid his head back and laughed, suddenly totally understanding why he had missed Bucky that much.

”You’re a jerk.”

”Punk.” 

Steve looked up and pointed his spatula in Bucky’s direction, ”Are you actually trying to eat or is this your best impression of how dinosaurs have probably eaten, I really can’t tell.”

Bucky raised mocking eyebrow in his direction, as if he was the one who had been teasing right now. Steve shook his head and went to get the paper towels.

”Well, you would know. You act as if you grew up with them.”

Steve tried not to feel too fond about the joke regarding his 'Old Guy' behavior. ”Well, I’ve known you since I was 5, so you tell me. Did we grow up with dinosaurs, or?”

”I am not saying that that would’ve been awesome, but,” Bucky ate another fork full. ”That would have been the best.”

Steve raised an eyebrow in his direction. ”We would’ve been eaten by them.”

Bucky rolled his eyes and blew a raspberry in his direction before drinking a sip from Steve’s glass. ”Kill joy.”

”You would have been eaten alive by dinosaurs and I am the kill joy?”

Bucky raised an eyebrow in his direction and then nodded with a serious expression. ”I could literally kill every good mood ever and you’d still be the kill joy, Steven, it’s just what you are good at.”

Steve laid his head back and laughed, raising his hands in questioning motion, ”What point are you even trying to make?”

Bucky joined his loud laughter and then just shook his head, brown hair falling in front of his eyes. ”I don’t know how exactly, but I planned the punchline to be something about you being old and old people don’t know how to party, but I kinda got lost and it would just be a stretch right now.”

”What are you even saying?”

Bucky stretched his arms over his head and then let them fall down in his lap, shrugging. ”I am trying to tell you that your pants look like they are right out of the 1940, but you distracted me with dinosaurs.”

Steve looked down on himself and then frowned. ”What’s wrong with my pants?”

Bucky shot him a look that looked disappointed and disapproving in a teasing way. He licked over his lip and then pointed at Steve. ”The color is _kaki_ , your ass looks saggy, the legs are just I don’t even know and where is your crotch? I cannot tell.”

Steve put the pan in the sink and just answered really drily, ”Shame.”

Bucky leaned back in his chair, obviously ignoring Steve’s eye rolls,”Those pants really are.”

Steve looked down on himself again, before shaking his head and shot his best friend a shit eating grin.

”Somebody looked really closely.”

Bucky pulled a face and threw a piece of egg in Steve’s vague direction. ”Somebody was forced to look at this catastrophe.”

Steve flipped him off while laughing with his whole body.

 

It really was back to normal, everything, but the one tiny detail. Steve missed the friendly, brief touches, he missed to just be close enough to Bucky to pat him on the shoulder or hug him. Steve never realized how important little touches were for him till Bucky just stopped.

He had exactly the patience of two more days till he snapped at Bucky even though he really didn’t want to. Like what was he even asking here? What did he even want? 

”You’re being distant.” Steve tried to tell himself that he didn’t sound like he was pouting at all.

Bucky was hanging halfway off the couch and raised his head to look at Steve. ”Huh?”

”I don’t know, it feels like you’re being really off.” Steve rubbed with his hand over his face and then just looked at Bucky, who sat up to face him properly.

Steve saw his eyes go to his lips. For a second he thought that Bucky might kiss him. He wondered if he’d kiss back, just to see what it would be like. The thought was out of his head as fast as it had found its way in, but yet Steve shook his head for good measure.

When he went home later, though, he tried not to think about why he kinda wished Bucky had kissed him.

 

”What am I doing?” Bucky rubbed his eyes and sat down a bit closer to Steve but still with a far too big respectful distance.

Steve huffed out a breath at that and crossed his arms over his chest. Bucky was instantly on full alert, sitting up straighter, narrowing his eyes and looked Steve up and down.

”What are you angry at me for right now?” He asked bewildered, his eyes still jumping from Steve’s arms to his eyes to his 'disappointed eyebrows' as Bucky calls them, even though Steve didn't really know what he means by that. 

”I am not angry with you!”

Bucky only raised a disbelieving eyebrow in his direction, but his face looked hurt. As if he was telling Steve something along the lines of _Lying to my face, that’s where we are now?_ And Steve really wanted to deny that, but all his thoughts were running in circles and he didn’t even know what had him that cooked up to begin with.

”I don’t _want_ to be angry with you! I just —” Steve ended his sentence with an opening gesture but then shrinking under Bucky’s gaze. Looked like he wasn’t the only one kind of angry, but not really, but somehow a lot. 

”You just? You just what, Steve? I am dying to know, really.” Bucky flexed his jaw and breathed heavily. ”Ever since I told you, I feel like you blame me for everything.”

Steve gasped at him, this was absolutely not going as planned. ”Bucky, the only person thinking so, is you.”

Bucky scoffed and then looked down onto his hands. ”Yeah? Then go on, tell me. What did I do wrong to cause this whole scene here?”

Steve looked down at Bucky’s hands in his lap, too. Watched how his fingers rubbed over the metal of his left hand, absentmindedly.

 _”_ You don’t look at me anymore,” he muttered and looked back up, only seeing Bucky’s profile. ”You don’t touch me anymore.”

Bucky’s head shot up, eyebrow raised mockingly, mouth hanging open disbelievingly. ”I don’t — What the fuck, Rogers.” 

Bucky scoffed again and shook his head some more, before jumping up from the couch and walking till he stood right in front of Steve.

The expression Bucky had fixed Steve with was a big warning. Bucky had drawn a line but challenging Steve to cross it, an _I dare you_ , if Steve’s ever seen one. Steve clenched his eyes too, before nodding, overstepping it.

”Well, it is true.”

Bucky laid his head back and laughed again in an ice cold way. ”What do you want, huh?” Bucky nonchalantly grabbed his crotch and motioned with the other hand to Steve’s. ”A friendly jerk off? Want me to drop to my knees and suck you off right here, in a platonic way? _What_?”

Steve got up too, breathing harshly, not even trying to get that mental picture out of his head. ”Of course not! Jesus, Bucky.” 

” _Jesus Bucky,_ what? You want me to touch you or not?”

Steve sighed and rolled his eyes, Bucky did nothing, just standing opposite to him, expression just as challenging. Steve screwed up this nose, feeling as if it should be harder to be the obviously only mature one here.

  
”Let go of your cock, for starters.” To his credits, Bucky did drop his hand from his crotch, but then did nothing further, just stood in front of Steve, definitely the next mocking comeback already on his lips. ”Thank you, ready to talk about it like adults?”

Bucky huffed and then stopped his eye contact with Steve again. ”Sure.”

”I literally just meant friendly touches. A pat on the shoulder, a hug, I don’t know. You just — don’t do that anymore,” Steve explained, letting his shoulders drop. It was as if all their anger just left the room from a second to the next and now they just stood here. Steve didn’t know what to feel now. 

Bucky sighed and nodded, shooting an apologizing gaze Steve’s way, before settling down on the couch again. ”Yeah, I — yeah. I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

Steve sat down next to Bucky, but sitting up straight instantly. ”Excuse me, I? I am the one who’s uncomfortable?” 

Bucky sighed and then looked at Steve tiredly, ”I just didn’t want you to have to second guess every time I touch you, okay? So I stopped all together. In my defense, I didn’t think you’d notice.” Then Bucky huffed and shook his head in a fond way that made Steve feel warm inside even though he really didn’t know why. "But of course you did, you softie.”

 

This was about all of it about that topic and Steve felt as if he should be more glad that it all had worked out so quickly, but he just couldn’t get this sour taste out of his mouth. This little feeling deep inside of him, that something was still off and that they kind of just didn’t discuss it and now it’s gone but Steve could still feel it.

Peggy side eyed him more often, he noticed. Steve couldn’t shake the feeling as if he should talk to her about it all, tell her what has been going on. But what was that, really? There was literally nothing going on, nothing to tell her. Bucky hadn’t made a move on him or had tried to kiss him, even when he was still confused as to why he wished Bucky had, for a second.

Still, he felt as if he was stealing her right for the truth, but it really wasn’t his story to tell.

That was what he told himself at least.

So he didn’t tell her, talked only vaguely to not at all about Bucky, which was really hard as it turned out, because Bucky had just somehow found his way into his life, in every aspect. There were so many things that reminded him of his best friend, so many situations in which he just ended up saying something that began with 'Bucky had' or 'Bucky and I did'. It was as if every house plant reminded him of Bucky and he just really couldn’t stop talking about him.

Peggy must have realized that he held himself back, often opened his mouth and then just stopped and shock his head instead, but well, if she really did realize, she was polite enough not to bring it up.

He was glad about it.

What did bother him, though, was that it seemed as if he and Bucky just couldn’t spend more than two hours together, tops, without arguing about things. It was if they just both always rubbed each other off the wrong way.

Bucky kept saying bad things about himself, sold himself short and made jokes on his behave and Steve just snapped every time. Little things were enough to make him angry, little things that normally would have made him laugh and disagree peacefully, now made him ready to fight. 

Bucky alway just raised an eyebrow at him and then huffed, as if he had a private joke about Steve’s behavior, that he didn’t want to share.

In retrospect, ending up on Sam’s couch was inevitable. Sam seemed to think the same, because he just opened the door yawning and then immediately pointed to his couch, nodding.

Steve sat down, still feeling a bit on edge because of his last conversation with Bucky. Sam pressed a coffee cup into his hands without further questions.

”I’m stuck in a bad movie,” Steve just spit out without thinking about it further and then took a sip of his coffee, clinking to the cup as if it was a very important lifeline.

”Man, I am too sober for this,” Sam mumbled underneath his breath and then turned to Steve with narrowed eyes, ”You’re trapped — in what?” 

Steve sighed and leaned back against the couch. ”A movie. Like a western movie, but I am the bad guy! I keep lashing out and shoot around and then he shoots back.”

Sam blinked at him. And then blinked again. ”You are a western villain?”

”Yes.” Steve huffed and then took a few deep breaths to get his thoughts in order. ”No. I am trying to say that Bucky and I just keep arguing.”

Sam made an understanding motion with his hands and made a little Ah sound, then nodded some more. ”About what?”

”Everything. _Anything_. We are misunderstanding each other, he keeps talking badly about himself and I keep lashing out about everything.” Steve sighed and rubbed his hand over his face.

”Well,” Sam bit his bottom lip and then tried to get a serious expression again, but failing. ”I call that sexual tension, but if you want to call it miscommunication, then knock yourself out.”

Steve’s eyes went wide and he gaped at Sam, who grinned at him in a shit eating way. 

”Sam!” Steve exclaimed and then pulled his eyebrows together, ”Why would there be sexual tension?”

Sam sighed in a way that made Steve think about the way he felt when his baby niece told him the same joke for the 8th time in a row.

”Yeah, Steve, why would there be any sexual tension. I really can’t tell,” Sam answered direly and shot him another look with a raised eyebrow.

Steve would really like to know what he was thinking. He literally couldn’t say why there would be any tension, let alone sexual one. He was happy with Peggy and they had good sex, Steve could really not complain. He was satisfied and as far from blue balls as he’ll ever be.

Which leaves — Oh. 

Huh.

Bucky was in love with him, that would inevitably also mean he’d want to have sex with Steve. Steve shook his head and nearly rolled his eyes at himself, well _duh_. He had never looked at it that way, though, but it really made sense. All of the sudden he just couldn’t get it rid of all the mental pictures.

Bucky looking him up and down, imagining what he looked like out of his cloths. Bucky touching himself, thinking about Steve.

Steve shuttered, not knowing if it was in a negative way, but didn’t allow himself to even think of the possibility, that it was a positive warmth that was spreading inside of him.

Steve looked up at Sam, who just nodded at him and still grinning, obviously making fun of him for only getting it now.

”Do you,” Steve started and then gestured wildly, before crossing his arms over his chest. ”Do you think he thinks about me while he — touches himself?”

Sam stuttered out a laugh and then sighed deeply. ”Oh Jesus, what is this,” he shook his head a few times, looking at the ceiling, as if he was hoping for help from above, ”Yeah, yeah I guess he thinks about you while jerking off.”

Steve just starred at Sam after he had said that, trying to find a way to make his brain work again. He was so deep in his thoughts that he nearly missed Sam’s fondly exhausted, ”Thanks for the mental picture of Bucky jerking off, by the way, I really, _really_ needed that before I ate breakfast.”

Steve just continued to stare and muttered a little, ”My bad.”

He wasn’t really able to do anything else right now. _The mental picture_ indeed. If Bucky groaned Steves name when he came? If he wished it were Steve’s hands on him, his lips? Imagined Steve fucking him?

Steve laid his head back and blinked a few times, actively ignoring that this was definitely doing something for him, even when it had no reason to do so.

He was just a healthy man, he had a sex drive, thinking about a handsome man jerking off, is normal to make him aroused. At least that’s what he told himself for the rest of the time he was at Sam’s and all the way home.

He shortly forgot he was even fighting thoughts when he saw Peggy, but at night they all came back to him.

He went to bed this night for the first time in months, not thinking about the women in his arms. Feeling for the first time as if she is way too little in his arms, way too small to really fit, too many curves, not enough muscles. He had forgotten those thoughts when the morning hit, but the bitter taste in the back of his mouth stayed.

He began to see Bucky through different eyes after that. He didn’t really know what it was or why, but his eyes always seemed to jump to Bucky’s crotch and then his hands and back. It was as if everything he could see now were mental pictures of what Bucky might picture while masturbating.

He felt like a grand A pervert and also as if he wasn’t fair to Peggy, because he was way past acting as if those thoughts didn’t do anything for him. He tried to ignore it, though. Tried to act indifferent around Bucky, but it was getting harder. 

Sadly, literally.

He laid awake next to Peggy five days after he had talked to Sam, awake and very much aroused, but not by the woman lying next to him.

Steve sighed and carefully pulled his arm free from underneath her, in order to grab his phone. He looked one more time over his shoulder to Peggy’s sleeping figure and then sighed again.

This was a mess. And he really didn’t want to blame Bucky for it.

He unlocked his phone and opened his messages to Sam.

 

**Steve [2:36 am]:** _There might be some sexual tension._

 

Steve starred at the blue message bubble and tried to convince himself that he really shouldn’t spend the rest of the night to wait for the little _Delivered_ to change to _read._

He was about to just give up and take a cold shower before going back to sleep, when his phone rung. 

Steve startled and then picked up as fast as he could, throwing a look at Peggy, who just murmured something in her sleep and then rolled to the other side of the bed. 

”Hey Sam, wait,” Steve hissed in the speaker and then got up and went to the living room.

Sam on the other end was just laughing at him for the better first minute of the call, before he sighed, giving Steve the cue to start.

”Sam, I am in serious trouble. You might really be right about the sexual tension.”

Sam took another deep sigh and Steve could just really picture the expression he must have on his face right now. His slight _What am I doing with my life_.

”Why am I always the one who has to hear that,” he sighed quietly underneath his breath and then continued louder, ”I am ready when you are.”

”I don’t know,” Steve said miserably, a low whining in tone that he didn’t like and didn’t want to think about. ”I really don’t know what I feel.”

”Horny,” Sam answered drily without missing a beat, ”You are horny. You are having a hard on for Bucky.”

”Okay, okay, enough,” Steve interrupted him and then looked down on himself, he was really glad that Sam couldn’t see him right now. Yeah, he might be right with this one.

”Wait, hold up,” Sam sounded pained, in a way that a good friend could muster, that kind of tired tone, full with resignation that he had to hold up with all the bullshit there is, because it was what friends did. ”Are you currently having a boner? Dude, are you calling me with a hard on?”

Steve locked down one more time, his eyes following the hard outline of his dick in his sweatpants. ”Sam, I am troubled.”

”Steve, you are horny.”

”Yes, but also really troubled,” Steve whined and then sat down on the couch, resting his head on the backrest.

”Man, I really should be getting paid for this,” Sam stated, ” I cannot believe I am about to say that but Rogers, go and take care of your dick and then figure out what and who you want.”

Steve closed his eyes and rubbed over his forehead. ”I am happy with Peggy,” he confirmed more to himself than anyone else.

”I know you are.”

”But I,” Steve sighed deeply and then winced. ”I have a big hard on for Bucky.”

He swore he could hear Sam rolling his eyes and muttering _Why me_ underneath his breath.

”Does he also make you happy?”

”You know he does, but it’s not _that_.” Steve shook his head, not really knowing who he tried to convince here. 

”Yeah, you keep saying that, but you look at him for a bit too long for that to be true.”

Steve knitted his eyebrows and then crooked his head. ”I don’t know what you’re trying to say, Sam.”

“I think you need to honesty sit down and think about it all. You need to tell him the truth about how you feel towards him.”

Steve jumped up from the couch and shortly looked at his phone disbelievingly. ”I don’t feel that way about him!” 

”Man, you talk as if you are.”

Steve felt his grip on the phone tightening but he told himself to calm down, Sam was just trying to help him.

”I have a girlfriend.”

”And don’t you think for even a second I don’t know that,” Sam answered and then added a quiet, ”Or that he doesn’t know that.”

”I am happy with her,” Steve repeated, not knowing why he felt the need to convince both of them.

”I know, buddy,” Sam said and then hung up.

Steve was left alone, standing in the living room with about 99 new problems, but at least his boner was gone.

 _I have a girlfriend_. This was actually a sentence he needed to remind himself of more often as time went by. He didn’t like to think why.

Bucky sat opposite to him on the kitchen table, eating his eggs happily.

”I’m just saying, Stevie.” Bucky pointed with his fork to him. ”Olaf deserves an own movie. He was adorable and the best character in this damn story, you know?”

Steve didn’t know. He wasn’t even really sure what had Bucky so passionate about — a children movie? Always a safe bet, when it came to Bucky. 

Steve nodded still, though, smiling at Bucky, who continued to eat his eggs with little difference to how a dog drank water.

”Yeah, see you get it. Like imagine, a movie just about a snowman. Not another singing gal, who searches for love, but a cool snowman.”

Steve hummed and threw a laugh Bucky’s way. ”You’re really passionate about that, huh?”

”You know how many movies are out there about a girl with big ass eyes, singing while waiting for a prince? Another one would be two too many.” Bucky made a hand motion as if he just closed a law case and went back to his breakfast.

”And how many of the songs by those girls do you know by heart?” Steve picked one egg from Bucky’s plate, getting rewarded by nearly getting stabbed with a fork.

”Back off, Soldier,” Bucky warned teasingly and then grinned crookedly at him. ”I don’t know, are you daring me to sing?”

”In everybody’s behave who could hear you, please no,” Steve deadpanned and Bucky shot him an insulted look before he crumbled together and laughed in honesty.

”Then you better start agreeing with me more enthusiastically, Stevie, 'cause the more movies they make with signing girls instead of cool snowman, the more imma sing all of them.”

”Like I said, Buck, you’re oddly passionate about that.”

”Mhm,” Bucky hummed and went back to eating, probably still thinking about plots for a movie about a — snowman? Magic snowman?

Steve had thought more about what exactly was this snowman, but then his eyes got caught on Bucky. He didn’t even do anything, he just sat there, hair open and falling nearly to his shoulders, a hoodie jacket and slight smile on his face, while he tried to pick the little pieces off the plate with his fork.

He hummed the melody of no doubt a Disney movie underneath his breath, so silently that he definitely didn’t do it actively.

It was normal. It was what Bucky did. Getting excited about little things, comparing people to movie characters and humming. There was nothing Steve hadn’t seen before. 

But yet, it was the moment in which Steve went Oh. 

That was it. Just an Oh, with capital O and an echo that will hunt him for years.

 _Oh_.

Oh. Oh no.

It wasn’t like a tiny feeling that had built inside of him and then kept on growing. Or maybe it had been but he hadn’t realized.

But for him the moment came full force, from a second to the next, didn’t come in waves but one big flood. One big _Oh shit_ moment.

It was couldn’t have been more than five seconds, really.

Count. Five.

But in those five seconds, he felt it all. He looked at Bucky’s messy hair and the little wrinkle between his eyebrows he had, while he was so concentrated on eating even the last piece of his food, and if it took him years to get it on his fork.

He heard Bucky’s low humming, like he wouldn’t mind to sit all the years it took him, right here. With Steve.

And Steve just realized that he wouldn’t mind either. He wouldn’t mind to eat breakfast with Bucky every morning, after they both got out of their bed. Bucky would have more a bedhead, probably wouldn’t even put more on than his sleep shorts.

Steve would smile at him from across the table before leaning in and kissing him.

He wouldn’t mind kissing him. In fact, he would love it. He would love to lean over right now and kiss the little wrinkle and then tell Bucky that it was ridiculous how concentrated he was over something like that.

He’d love every second of it.

He could very well picture the rest of his life like that.

Steve blinked out of his thoughts and then just starred at Bucky with nothing but plain horror. He wouldn’t mind to spend the rest of his life exactly like that.

With Bucky. Not Peggy. He wanted to kiss Bucky and not her. He wanted to go to sleep next to _him_ and not her.

Her. His girlfriend. Who he was sure he loved, but right now he just really couldn’t say if he loved her _enough_. If he loved her more than he loved Bucky.

Bucky stopped playing with his food and looked up at Steve in question. Then his eyes grew wide and he looked around in panic, while getting up in a rush, running around the table to lay a hand on his shoulder.

”Shit, are you okay? Did you eat walnuts again? I told you, there are nuts in _everything_. Damnit, you’re really pale, Stevie, where is your medicine?”

”Get out,” Steve barked, way more harsh then he intended to. He just needed space to _think_ , he needed air, he needed _answers._

He had been sure he loved Peggy, but whenever he thought about his future, all he saw was Bucky. Bucky, who made him feel something warm inside of him, something so happy that he could barely suppress a grin. Something so _real_ that he couldn’t understand how he only just realized that.

 

 

**Bucky**

Steve breathed harshly, his eyes jumping through the room but avoiding Bucky, who literally couldn’t get his thoughts in order.

It was a normal breakfast, there wasn’t anything unusual about it, nothing. They had eaten and he had talked about frozen.

”What did I do?” He asked bewildered, trying to pretend that Steve hadn’t just told him to go. He really wanted to know, though, too. What did he do now? What did he ever do to Steve?

Other than loving him, that was. And Bucky wasn’t ready to take the blame for that, at least not all of it. It was so easy to fall for Steve, the way he did about everything in complete ease but still concentrated enough to get wrinkles all around his eyes. The way he was polite and innocent but still could kick every bully’s ass into next Sunday.

”James,” Steve breathed out and Bucky immediately backed off and put his hands up in front of him. He didn’t know _what_ he did, but when it was bad enough to make Steve call him James, then it must have been enormous. He played their conversation back to back, but still came up empty. ”I have to think, could you please leave me alone for a bit?”

”Steve, what is happening?” Bucky asked, carefully, not ready to back off yet. They had been fighting a lot over the past few weeks but this was new. They literally didn’t even talk about anything serious.

”You think about me!” Steve shouted, looking like a panicked animal. This had always been Steve’s best strategy to protect himself, attack anyone around him. But Bucky didn’t know what he was protecting himself of right now. He literally had no idea.

”I think about you?” Bucky asked, still having his hands raised in front of him. Steve was freaking out and the best way to keep this situation from escalating was to stay calm.

Bucky was not calm, though. Bucky was freaking out, too. He didn’t know what Steve made himself believe and he came up empty when searching for something he did wrong right now.

”Yes!” Steve breathed heavily and kept staring at him wide eyed, ”You think about me while masturbating.” 

Bucky stumbled a few steps back, his mouth falling open in shock.

Well, he couldn’t argue with that.

He wanted to say something in his defense, but he came up silent. He didn’t know why Steve’s brain went to that from his talk about a snowman, but if this really was what he was freaking out about right now, then Bucky really couldn’t say anything to help this.

Instead, he went to his own fight strategy, hitting back to not get hurt too much. 

A cold laugh escaped him, that sounded oddly hollow. ”What is this?”

Steve crooked his head, looking small. ”I am right, aren’t I?”

”Is this a discussion you want to have right now, are you serious?” Bucky bit back, walking backwards a bit closer to the door. ”You want to know about my jerk off habits?”

Steve didn’t answer, he just starred at Bucky and then his eyes dropping to his crotch.

Bucky decided that this was it. This was about all he could take of this. He didn’t really know if this was supposed to be some kind of mockery. It was the only thing that would make sense, but this was Steve. _Steve._

He wanted to ask Steve if this is what it was. Bucky didn’t know if he’d like the answer to that though, so he never asked for that either.

Bucky scoffed at Steve one last time. ”You know, people say I am the asshole in this friendship, but you can be a real dick, too.”

 

Bucky was mad for the whole day that follow after that. Mad, because he didn’t know what prompted that. Mad, because he couldn’t shake the feeling that in retrospect had this freak out a long time coming.

And mostly mad, because he couldn’t allow himself to feel something else. He couldn’t. He needed to hold on to anger, because if he let himself be sad about it all, chances were that he would just fall face first in a bottle of whiskey and he really couldn’t let himself do that. 

He made it to day three, till the sadness and frustration just ran over him in full force. He sat on the couch when it all came raining down onto him.

The laugh that escaped him was broken and hollow.

”Fuck, I wish I knew how to not love Steve Rogers,” he states to no one at all while he tries to talk himself out of walking to the drug store and getting black out drunk till the pain faded away.

 

He didn’t find the answer to the way out of his misery on the bottom on a scotch glass, in fact, even though it had been a close call. 

It was actually Sam, who stopped him.

Steve didn’t come over for two weeks. He didn’t call either. Or write. Bucky didn’t even try to deny that it was somehow his fault.

 

He was already 4 days of no sleep at all deep, when Sam came over. He looked worried but hid it away enough for Bucky to not be worried.

”You stink,” Sam just stated drily when he moved to Bucky’s couch, pushing clothes and take out packages out of the way, in order to sit down.

”Jee, thanks,” Bucky grumbled and then sat down on a beanbag chair next to the couch, but still in Sam’s direct sight. ”I didn’t ask you to come here.”

”And I didn’t ask to be suffocated in here, but this didn’t seem to matter to you either.“

”Again,” Bucky said slowly, ”I didn’t ask you to come here.”

Sam shot him a look, silencing him instantly. Yeah, he was glad that he was here. Bucky doesn’t trust himself with all of this. He was being miserably and all he succeeded at the past few days was not crying.

He had been trying to do everything right with Steve and yet here he was. He was sorry that he just never seemed to be trying hard enough.

Which was really sad, because he really did try, he tried so hard, but unfortunately, everything he did always fell a bit short.

Bucky sighed and rubbed over his eyes. ”Yeah, okay, thank you for showing up.”

Sam patted his shoulder, silently agreeing with Bucky to pretend as if he didn’t lean into the touch. ”Now that’s the right attitude, man.”

Bucky raised his head and looked into his friends eyes, debating whether or not to break that whole Steve barrel open. He had a lot of feelings locked up inside of him, so much on his shoulders that he’d love to share some of it, just a bit, just enough for him to feel a bit more like himself again.

Then again, he didn’t want to make this all more uncomfortable fro Steve with sharing all of it with their friend.

”I can see the wheels turning behind this mat of hair, so just lemme tell you,” Sam interrupted his thoughts, squeezing Bucky’s shoulder, ”I know what this is about. Steve told me.”

Bucky escaped a low chuckle, a sad sound really. ”Of course this punk did.”

”Yeah, so just,” Sam made a prompting motion and settled back against the headrest, obviously already knowing that this was gonna take a while. ”Whenever you are ready, man.”

Bucky sighed and tried to find the best way to start all this. His knowledge as to _how much_ Sam knew, was rather limited and also, he burned to know what Steve had said about him. His skin tingled just thinking that they have talked about him. Talked about his pathetic and really rather unfortunate, unrequited feelings.

”He hasn’t called.” Bucky cringed a bit, to really knowing why this was the thing he settled with.

Sam rolled his eyes and then just stared at him with an expression that had I Am Surrounded By Idiots written all over it. ”Jesus, fuck,” he breathed deeply, fixing Bucky with a raised eyebrow, ”you two have the exact same arguments; really you deserve each other. Listen up pal, of course he hasn’t called, he is embarrassed.”

Bucky pulled his eyebrows together and looked at Sam in question. ”Embarrassed by straight outasking for my jerk off fantasies?”

Bucky really couldn’t put it together. If Steve was embarrassed by that, well then he shouldn’t have asked. It wasn’t like it was something that could just slip out, right?

Sam sighed deeply again, Bucky felt as if his friend was having a serious debate as to why he was even friends with the two of them in his head.

”That’s what he did?” Sam asked, his voice sounding really tired, ”He was vague about it — but of course that’s it. Jesus, why am I even friends with you two.”

”I am glad you are,” Bucky threw in, might as well guilt trip Sam into staying, because now that he had started to talk, it was if he really needed to finish.

”You can bet your ass you are,” Sam answered, deep in thoughts. ”What did you answer him?”

Bucky raised his eyebrows, trying not to think too hard about the fact that his masturbation habits seemed to be new hot topic in every conversation he had. ”What kind of question — is that?”

”Shit!” Sam called out instantly and looked at him with wide eyes. ”Don’t dare to answer that. I don’t want to know, I really don’t.”

Bucky huffed and shook his head, whispering 'I wasn’t about to' underneath his breath. 

Sam settled down and then huffed too. ”I cannot believe that that’s the second time I’m discussing your masturbation habits in one month, what has my life become.”

Bucky raised his hands in a silent _What_ , ”Wait second? What the fuck are you talking about with others?”

”Not that, Jesus help me, not that. I wish it was anything but that. I am the victim here.”

”I _wish_ you talk about anything but that, too, buddy” Bucky shot back and looked uncomfortable down to his crotch, before looking straight back up, not wanting to do this to Sam.

Sam just looked back at him, still looking entirely through with everything. ”Imma come out and say that Steve had brought it up and then kinda freaked out.”

”Yeah, tell me about it,” Bucky answered, telling himself that he didn’t sound half as bitter as he felt.

”I’d really rather not and, no offense, I have enough mental pictures, that I really didn’t want.”

Bucky only nodded a few times, trying not to think about what business Steve had to talk about him jerking off. ”Okay, you’ll have to explain.”

”My mental pictures, dude please — Steve. You’re talking about Steve.”

”Obviously.”

Sam shook his head and went back to his easy grin, Bucky could have kissed him for that. How easy he could let the awkwardness slide from a room. ”I know Steve said all that in confidence, so I won’t share. I’ll just tell you, that it was not you fault he freaked, okay? He has a lot of things to figure out.”

Bucky could literally feel his stomach drop. Steve had things to think through. He freaked out and wanted Bucky to get out. What if he needed to think if he really still needed Bucky in his life? All they have done in the past few months has been arguing, all he had been, was selfish. Steve didn’t ever talk to him about Peggy, obviously to not hurt Bucky’s feelings, but what kind of friendship was this?

He didn’t know if he could life without him.

After the war he has been nothing but numb. And in love. He wasn’t that not anymore. Nothing else but that, the was. But big part of who he was, who he grew up to be, was based on Steve and his love for him.

He was more than his love for Steve, now. But he didn’t want to lose him, never wanted to. He think he could survive losing him, but he didn’t know which parts of him wouldn’t. He didn’t want to test the outcome, if Steve left. He didn’t want to know if everything he’d built up would fall together.

”Fuck, you’re pale,” Sam yelled out, waving with his hand in front of his eyes. ”Buck, hey Buck, listen. I don’t know what you’re thinking, but I guarantee it’s not as bad as you make yourself believe right now.”

”You know that?” Bucky breathed out, aiming for a teasing tone. 

”Yeah, I in fact do.” Sam laid his hand back on Bucky’s shoulder, nodding seriously. ”He won’t live you, if that’s what you’re afraid of, but he really has some things to work through. And believe me, he will come around and running back to you, once he gets his stubborn ass out of his ass.”

”He really is stubborn.”

”Yeah, he is,” Sam huffed and then smiled at Bucky, reassuringly. ”You know how Steve is. He sometimes just rather jumps headfirst out of a plane than talk about his feelings.”

Bucky nodded and looked at his hands in his lap. ”Yeah, but not with me. We used to share everything and now I am just another person he runs from?”

Sam’s smile was the saddest he’d ever seen it. ”I know this doesn’t help you yet, but have faith in him. He will come around.”

Bucky tried to believe Sam’s words, but when Steve didn’t come around for another week, he felt his mood visibly drop some more, even when he didn’t think that even had been possible.

It was as if he had nothing to do. As if his life had just rotated around this one person and now he didn’t even know how he was doing. 

He decided to keep it professorial and stop to be so dramatic.

So he googled the 5 stages of grieving and tried really hard to ignore that Steve didn’t in fact die, but Bucky evidentially died for him. It wasn’t actually to deal with grieve anyway, but Bucky desperately needed something to do. It was to distract him more than anything else.

He decided to start with stage five, because it seemed like the right thing to do, considering that he already had the Isolation and denial one perfected. Stage five was accepting the death, which again wasn’t really something he just could easily do, since they were both alive, how the hell ever they had managed that. He decided that it’d be close enough to change the stage into accepting the probably end of their friendship.

He didn’t accept it.

Bucky tried to read more articles about how to accept anything really, but he came up empty. He didn’t know how he was supposed to accept something when he didn’t even know what had happened.

Well, what had happened besides him telling Steve about his big man crush and changing their friendship forever, to the worse.

Bucky decided to skip the the stage, trying not to think that he had literally failed at it and decided to move on to the second. He thought it would be fitting since those weren’t actual steps, but more like things that will happen, but might as well get a head start.

 

When Steve showed up roughly 1 month after they had their last conversation, Bucky had been getting to the stage of anger. He had spend his whole day railing himself up, goggling bad news and had thought about everything that made him unbelievably angry, for no real reason.

It had been everything he had locked into the 'Not worth it' box in his head. Yeah Steve, really didn’t have a good timing.

It turned out, he had even worse people skills.

”You’re sober!” Was the first thing Steve exclaimed when he saw Bucky and even if he hadn’t been pissed to begin with, he certainly was now.

”Can’t believe I didn’t disappoint you in that aspect, damn,” he bit out, trying not to look at Steve directly, for no reason; or that was what he told himself, at least. 

”No, that came out wrong,” Steve hurried to say, rubbing his right wrist, " I mean can I come in?”

Bucky scoffed, ”Why, you wanna discuss the sound I make when I come or what will be our freak out topic today?”

He looked up, trying to shot Steve a cold eyed stare, but his anger seemed to drop right out of him, being replaced with stage 3 all over again, feeling depressed, when he saw how tiny, sad and tired Steve looked. ”Yeah. Come in.”

”I see, I’ve been gone for a month and you still haven’t changed this awful red into an invitation yellow,” Steve said, before his eyes shot up at Bucky, obviously trying to find out if he even still had the right to be downright open, in a rude way.

It startled a laugh out of Bucky, though, one in which Steve joined in fast.

”Shit, I missed you punk,” Bucky everything but whispered, walking to the living room. 

”Me too,” Steve agreed, just as quietly and followed him.

It was as if the whole mood just did a 180 on their asses and now they just stood there in a really serious manner. Bucky could feel that this conversation would be one of the most important ones in his whole life and hell, did he hope he could handle it. He doubted it.

Bucky straightened his shoulders, telling himself that he could do that. He could sit here and probably listen to Steve cutting him out of his life, he could do that.

It will be like his worst nightmares but he lived through worse.

Right? 

Maybe.

”Okay, I think it’s time that we talked,” Steve opened the conversation.

Wrong. 

”I am sorry,” Bucky chimed in fast, trying to at least do the damage control. He didn’t really know what was going on here, but he knew that he somehow screwed it up, somehow and definitely with his weird feeling he had going on. ”I don’t exactly know for what, but I am really sorry, Steve.”

Steve pulled his eyebrows together in this disappointed way as if there hadn’t ever been a more sad thing that Bucky had told him. ”Stop that, Buck, it’s not you.”

Bucky starred at him open mouthed. ”Do you really It’s Not You, It’s Me me right now?”

”What? No! I mean it, you didn’t do anything wrong. I - I broke up with Peggy.”

Bucky felt his shoulders drop, he really wanted this conversation to get over with, but Steve needed his best friend right now and if that meant that they had to postpone this whole thing, then Bucky would do that without hesitating.

”Oh, no Steve, I feel so sorry for you!” Bucky laid his hand on Steve’s shoulder, not caring about all the stuff that happened between them. ”What happened?”

Steve laughed hollowly and then looked at Bucky with so much honesty that he thought he might get dizzy from it. ”You. You happened.”

”What?” Bucky asked back in shock, moving away from Steve, shaking his head violently. This wasn’t what he wanted. Well, it had been, but not like this. ”I am fine, Steve. I am completely okay on my own.”

Another one of those sad huffs, Bucky began to really hate Steve making that sound. ”No, Buck, no you’re not.”

Truth.

Irrelevant.

Irrelevant truth?

Bucky looked back at Steve, feeling his facade break. If he really wanted Steve to fix this, maybe only because he knew how happy Steve had been, he had got to be honest. Even if he’d be the one dealing with all of it alone, in the end.

”Yes, okay? Yes!” Bucky yelled out and then took a few deep breaths to calm himself. ”I am not doing better, Steve, okay? I haven’t been doing better in _months_ and I actually think that I haven’t been worse in _years_. My own nightmares are hunting me everywhere I go. On bad days I can’t even blink without getting a panic attack! I am the worst I ever remembered being, but that doesn’t mean that you — that you can’t be …”

Bucky ended with an opening gesture, feeling complete stripped and laid out raw. He tried to tell himself that it was better that way, with all of his cards on the table, everything out in the open, but Steve looked at him with so much sadness, that Bucky didn’t think he could really stand it.

”Happy?” Steve finished his sentence, sounding everything but that.

Bucky shot him a tired smile and nodded slowly. ”Yeah, that. And it is great for you, I am glad you are happy, I really am. But I think I have forgotten how to be.”

Steve’s expression didn’t change. ”Oh, Buck.”

”No, no,” Bucky hurried to say, ”I might not be okay, but I am okay with that. I swear to you, I am. I just want you to be happy, even if your happiness doesn’t include me.”

Steve rubbed his hand through his hair and shook his head a few times. ”Damnit Bucky, I am the happiest I could ever be, when I am around you.”

”Well, we both know that’s not true.”

Steve moved closer to him, till his knee was right next to Bucky’s. It cost him the rest of his will power to not just lean in and rest his head on Steve’s shoulder.

”It is,” Steve huffed out with a little chuckle that sounded breathless, surprised, but really convinced. ”It really is. You sat at my kitchen table and all but inhaled your scrambled eggs and I - I found that I could very well spend the rest of my life like this. Do you get what I mean? I didn’t see Peggy when I thought that. All I saw was you.”

Bucky’s head tried to come up with an explanation for what Steve had just said and came up with a strong zero. Nada. He had no clue what those words meant, not when they came out of Steve’s mouth.

”I admit, it took me a while to get what I feel. It took me years and one really weird talk with Sam, which he’ll probably never forgive me, but I — I get it.”

”Yeah, he told me about that talk, you perv,” Buck teased, before he went back to being serious. ”It made you realize that you feel what?”

Steve looked at him like he was a complete idiot. He’d defend himself but he had really no idea what they were even talking about.

”Okay, look.” Steve settled back against the headrest, but kept his eyes on Bucky. ”I lashed out on you and I really didn’t know why.”

”Yeah, I began to think you don’t like our weekly discussions about children movies,” Bucky commented teasingly, trying to steer this conversation in a more lighter direction. Was this a defense mechanism? Probably.

”I don’t, but not the point.”

”Yes, you do, but continue.”

”Yeah, right, see.” Steve rubbed with his hand through his hear and then shot Bucky a crooked, apologetic grin. ”I lashed out and threw you out, sorry by the way” Bucky waved it off and prompted him to finish. ”So I went to see Peggy and I - I just wished it was you. That I could walk to you and not her. Because I — you are passionate and have so much heart and you discuss about children movies and gummy bears and I — I just love to fight. And you.”

”And me?” Bucky asked, not making the connection between what Steve had just said and himself yet.

Steve blinked at him and then just looked him right in the eyes. ”I love you.”

Bucky might have blacked out for a second. He wasn’t sure, he just knew that he was currently just starring at Steve, seriously questioning if he had a gap in his vocabulary.

”Me,” he questioned drily. 

”You. Bucky, you are it for me.”

”But — A few months back you said that about her. What changed?”

Bucky just stared at him blankly, not wanting to ask this question, not wanting for Steve to think that he didn’t trust him. But it was true, a few months back, Steve had said all this about Peggy, so Bucky needed to make sure.

He was trying to to find the words to tell Steve that he trusted his judgment. He didn’t think that Steve just fell quickly and didn’t mean it.

He didn’t think that Steve didn’t know his own feelings. But he knew that this had been a long shot, this had been him lucking his way in even being friends with him.

So no, this wasn’t that he didn’t think he couldn’t trust Steve’s feelings. That was that he knew that he hadn’t been good enough once before, he was only the second choice and he couldn’t bear losing Steve, not ever and especially not now that he had a glimpse of what he’d always wanted.

”Nothing. Everything. I honestly don’t know. Maybe I always have loved you, maybe this feeling just began, but all I know it that I don’t want it to stop, ever and I don’t think it will.”

Bucky let for the first time in months his hope flare back up. Feeling it warm inside of him, strong and relieving. ”What changed your mind?”

Steve chuckled slightly and shook his head. ”Honestly? You hummed to frozen.” Steve looked past Bucky shortly and then right back at him with a shit eating grin. ”And also, you think about me while jerking off.”

Bucky huffed out a laugh and continued to stare at Steve. ”Are you sure about all this?”

”I am. I am not sure about anything in my life, I never have been, but I always knew that I want you to be there. I need you. I just hadn’t make the connection that this could be romantic, but it is. Believe me, I know it is.” Steve looked hopeful, too. Hopeful and a bit scared as if he knew that Bucky’s next words could destroy all of that.

Bucky had no intention to destroy any of it.

”Okay,” he answered simply, finally allowing himself to take Steve’s hand, rubbing his fingers over his knuckles.

”Okay?” Steve huffed out, surprised, but smiling down at their joined hands. 

”Yeah, okay.” Bucky shrugged, feeling his face light up in a bright, honest smile. Feeling, as if he could be happy soon and couldn’t wait to find out how that felt.

If it felt anything like what he felt right now, it would have been really worth the wait.

”I feel like this is a big moment so I shouldn’t have to ask this, but — what does okay mean in this context?” Steve asked, but also smiling at Bucky in a carefree way, with wrinkles around his eyes and everything.

Bucky couldn’t help but thing that he also could live just looking at Steve like this forever.

”Yeah, okay,” Bucky said instead of something awfully sappy, ”Let’s do this.”

Steve raised an eyebrow and used his free hand to put one of Bucky’d lose strands of hair behind his ear. Bucky rolled his eyes and would tell him off for something so cliche, if he didn’t secretly already love it. ”I expected a bit more enthusiasm. Maybe even happy tears.”

Bucky laid his head back and laughed. ”I can hum frozen and make you fall in love all over again, if that helps, you softie.”

Steve shook his head and laid his hand on Bucky’s jaw, leaning in slightly. ”I am really questioning why I love you so much right now?”

Bucky really just wanted to get closet to Steve, too, lean in and steal the kiss he wanted so badly. He really wished he wasn’t as competitive as he was, though, because he leaned back instead and raised an eyebrow. ”I know that feeling, punk, but that doesn’t matter."

”Why?” Steve asked cocky, following Bucky. 

”'Cause I love you too and we could get to the bottom of this and we surely should but there is so much more we could do,” Bucky answered, finally leaning towards Steve too, lying his hand on his chest.

”Your jerk off fantasies?” Steve teased.

_Hell yeah._

Bucky didn’t even blush. He just shook his head with a little laugh. ”Shit, I hate you.”

Steve chuckled softly before looking Bucky up and down, so close to his face that Bucky could feel his breath on his lips.

”Will it all really be that easy?” He asked softly, obviously concerned.

And Bucky had always thought that he was the overthinking one.

”Yes, Stevie,” he ran his fingers over Steve’s collar bone, watching how he got goose bumps. Yeah, they would be okay. ”Not everything in life has to be complicated. Somethings are easy.”

”You’re halfway out of your pants already, so imma agree.”

Bucky laughed and pushed Steve playfully off of him. ”You’re a punk. We only got this 'cause you thought about me jerking off. I am a true inspiration.”

Steve just looked at him really tiredly, but his smile showed his true feelings. ”Don’t get too full of yourself.”

”If you think I’ll ever let this drop, you are mistaken.”

Steve leaned in again, looking at him fondly. ”I know. I truly live the nightmare.”

Bucky grabbed Steve’s collar and pulled him in for a kiss. Steve’s lips were soft and warm and perfect under his. 

And for a moment, he actually, truly believed for the first time that he deserved that. That he deserved to be happy and that he’ll definitely get there in every aspect, as long as Steve was there with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this story!!  
> If you did, I'm always glad to read comments. :-)'  
> It was my first time writing Stucky, but I hope I did a good job with characterizing them correctly sskskkjj  
> :-)'

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed the first chapter. I'll be posting the second one (around 17k words) in a few days.  
> I'd love to read some comments! :-)'


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